We live in a time when divorce is no longer something that is unheard of. In the old days, people stay married to ensure approval from society, to keep the family together, and in many cases to ensure financial security. Men wanted to ensure that he was seen as the head of the family who was capable of keeping everyone in line and women did not have the ability to support themselves or any of their children if they were to leave their husbands who would be the sole bread winner. But times have changed and couples opt for divorce with infidelity, financial problems and emotional, psychological and physical abuse as some of the top reasons for divorce.
In saying that, there are many couples out there who remain married despite the presence of all the above reasons. Husbands put up with wives who cheat, wives accepts that their husband has a gambling problem and there are those who live with abuse every single day but they either don’t have the courage to walk out or are in denial about their partner's love or lack of love for that matter.
A woman I knew walked in to the supermarket one day and we said hello to each other and started talking about what has been happening in our lives. The next day, I spoke to a friend of mine who also knew that woman. I told my friend that I was so impressed by how that woman is taking care of herself. Her hair looked like she had just come from the salon, her nails were perfectly manicured and she looked like she had been going to the gym to lose some weight. I remember saying “Marriage must be good for her” since she had just married someone who I also knew and both had come out of a divorce. But my friend said something that totally surprised me. She told me that the woman’s husband, who was a high-level manager that travelled a lot, had a “woman in every port”. Apparently everyone knew about it, including his wife. “And she is ok with that?” I asked my friend. “Well, I think she accepts it because her first marriage was horrible, her husband used to beat her, had a gambling problem and she and her kids were nearly out on the street”, she answered, “but this guy she just married treats her differently, he never lays a finger on her, he bought her a beautiful house, pays for her children to go to private schools, she gets her hair and nails done every week, has massages and anything she likes”. I guess to that woman, her husband’s infidelity is not so much of a deal-breaker as her first husband’s abuse and inability to provide for her financially.
Another woman I know is with a man who did not contribute financially in their marriage. Before they were married, she had her own apartment in the wealthy side of Melbourne and he had a small unit in the outer suburbs. She was happy for them to live in her apartment however he wanted a house with a pool, a big backyard and lot of room located close to the city. So she decided to rent out her apartment and they both bought a house together. He took a job in another state because it paid well and she has always been independent and didn’t mind being apart, seeing her husband every other weekend. But she soon realised that only her income was going into their joint account. His pay did not. Whenever she asked him for money to pay the bills and the mortgage, he would tell her that he didn’t get paid or he had bought necessities. This would go on for months and she soon realised that she was the one paying for everything and he had not contributed at all. It wasn’t until something showed up in their credit card bill that she realised the necessities he was referring to. He had been lying to her all this time about not being paid. He was getting paid regularly but had also regularly used the money to pay for escorts while he was away. She told me that she could cope with the financial issues however knowing that he had been unfaithful to her all this time was something that she could not put up with since her first husband had cheated on her too.
A lot of people in abusive relationships get judged for staying in that relationship. Those looking from the outside wonder why those being abused stick around. Why don’t they just leave? Why do they put up with it? Some choose to stay because they are afraid to leave. Some choose to stay because they think being emotionally abused is not as bad as being physically abused. Some believe that it is their fault that they are being abused. Some believe that their marriage is perfect and the abuse is just a small part that they have to cope with. They don’t want to leave, because leaving means saying goodbye to the beautiful home, a great circle of friends, financial security, their social comfort zone or worse, it may mean giving up their children. While for some people, abuse is a deal-breaker, to others it is worth putting up with the pain rather than deal with the consequences.
What is a deal-breaker for you? Do you believe that a marriage should be able to overcome anything? Or is it all about making a sacrifice to gain something else in return?
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Year 12 Continued...
You are the only one in the year level to get an A in your English exam!” I was in shock. I told her that I didn’t know but I was so relieved. Then my Year 12 Coordinator came out of her office, she had a big smile on her face too. She asked me if I knew what my ENTER score was. I told her I haven’t got my results yet. She told me to go home and dial the information line to get my score. She told me that I will be pleased but she didn’t want to ruin it.
I went home. I dialled the number and punched in my student number. I listened for my result but when I heard it, I hung up the phone. I thought for sure, I punched in the wrong student number, it couldn’t be my score. I told myself to get it together and dialled again, this time, ensuring that I punched in my student number very slowly to make sure that it was the correct one. I heard it again, the same score as before. I was over the moon. I called my mum at her work. When she got on the phone I told her that I got my results. She asked me what I got. I told her to guess. She said 65? 70? 80? I couldn’t hold it in any longer so I told her. “I got 91.9, Mum!” I said. Mum was so happy. I was happy for my Mum. I called my Year 12 Coordinator and told her that I got my results. She said she was so proud of me and I had to go to school as they are taking a photo of the students who achieved a score over 90. As I walked in, I could tell that many of the students who were there to share their scores were shocked that I was going to have a photo taken. There were only a few of us who achieved a score over 90. There were only 3 or 4, I think. The two boys who were placing bets on me came up and asked me what score I got. The one betting that I would fail said that I couldn’t have got over 90 because the girl who he thought was smarter than me got a score of 85. Before I could answer him, he grabbed a letter which had my score on it to have a look for himself. He was dumbfounded. I didn’t think it was worthwhile to say anything.
I received several offers for the courses that I applied for. Different universities sent me a letter telling me that I had been accepted. I chose one that was in the city as I was also working at Nando’s in the city at that time. I soon received a phone call regarding an interview with a company who was interested in sponsoring me for the cadetship program. I went to the interview and as I was going through the door, a girl from my school who had a higher ENTER score than me walked out. She had just been interviewed and I guess I was competing with her for a sponsorship. I didn’t let it get to me. My interview went well. They were pleased with my results and pleased that I also had extra curricular activities. They wanted someone who had academic abilities but also had people skills. They wanted someone who would be flexible enough to manage a lot of different tasks. I left the interview and was hopeful that I would get the cadetship but was also aware that I was competing with hundreds of students wanting the same thing. Some had higher ENTER scores than me.
After the interview, I decided to go and buy some stationery. I was daydreaming about getting the cadetship and hopefully getting a better job so I could quit Nando’s. The manager was really mean to me but I couldn’t quit because I needed the money. While I was at the supermarket, I received a phone call. It was the manager from the company I was just interviewed by. She called to let me know that I had been chosen. They wanted to sponsor me in the cadetship program. She asked me to meet her for a coffee the next day. I was jumping for joy. God was spoiling me. I met her for a coffee and she asked me whether I’d also be interested in working for her, doing some administration and hopefully gain some experience and extra cash. I told her that I would love to, however will have to ensure that it fits in with my uni schedule. She told me that my education is her first priority and I can design a work schedule that suits me. I left the meeting and went to Nando’s straight away to resign. That manager, from the company that sponsored me, is now a good friend of mine. I worked with her for several years and although we no longer work together, she still asks if I would be interested in working with her again.
That year was and will always be meaningful to me. I remember feeling so much uncertainty about my future but always had faith in God. That He had my best interest and as long as I gave it my best, He would take care of the rest. I often think about what my score would have been if I didn’t have to move and live with my aunty, if grandfather wasn’t sick in the hospital, if I had the environment to study. Would I have been able to achieve something higher? But there is no use in thinking ‘what if’. Things happen and you just have to deal with it the best way that you can. Every time people would put me down or try to discourage me, I used it as motivation. It would make me more determined to work harder and to aim higher. I am grateful for all the challenges, obstacles and hardships that I had to endure because they made me a stronger person, a person who never gives up, who will never let anything or anyone get in the way of achieving my goal.
I went home. I dialled the number and punched in my student number. I listened for my result but when I heard it, I hung up the phone. I thought for sure, I punched in the wrong student number, it couldn’t be my score. I told myself to get it together and dialled again, this time, ensuring that I punched in my student number very slowly to make sure that it was the correct one. I heard it again, the same score as before. I was over the moon. I called my mum at her work. When she got on the phone I told her that I got my results. She asked me what I got. I told her to guess. She said 65? 70? 80? I couldn’t hold it in any longer so I told her. “I got 91.9, Mum!” I said. Mum was so happy. I was happy for my Mum. I called my Year 12 Coordinator and told her that I got my results. She said she was so proud of me and I had to go to school as they are taking a photo of the students who achieved a score over 90. As I walked in, I could tell that many of the students who were there to share their scores were shocked that I was going to have a photo taken. There were only a few of us who achieved a score over 90. There were only 3 or 4, I think. The two boys who were placing bets on me came up and asked me what score I got. The one betting that I would fail said that I couldn’t have got over 90 because the girl who he thought was smarter than me got a score of 85. Before I could answer him, he grabbed a letter which had my score on it to have a look for himself. He was dumbfounded. I didn’t think it was worthwhile to say anything.
I received several offers for the courses that I applied for. Different universities sent me a letter telling me that I had been accepted. I chose one that was in the city as I was also working at Nando’s in the city at that time. I soon received a phone call regarding an interview with a company who was interested in sponsoring me for the cadetship program. I went to the interview and as I was going through the door, a girl from my school who had a higher ENTER score than me walked out. She had just been interviewed and I guess I was competing with her for a sponsorship. I didn’t let it get to me. My interview went well. They were pleased with my results and pleased that I also had extra curricular activities. They wanted someone who had academic abilities but also had people skills. They wanted someone who would be flexible enough to manage a lot of different tasks. I left the interview and was hopeful that I would get the cadetship but was also aware that I was competing with hundreds of students wanting the same thing. Some had higher ENTER scores than me.
After the interview, I decided to go and buy some stationery. I was daydreaming about getting the cadetship and hopefully getting a better job so I could quit Nando’s. The manager was really mean to me but I couldn’t quit because I needed the money. While I was at the supermarket, I received a phone call. It was the manager from the company I was just interviewed by. She called to let me know that I had been chosen. They wanted to sponsor me in the cadetship program. She asked me to meet her for a coffee the next day. I was jumping for joy. God was spoiling me. I met her for a coffee and she asked me whether I’d also be interested in working for her, doing some administration and hopefully gain some experience and extra cash. I told her that I would love to, however will have to ensure that it fits in with my uni schedule. She told me that my education is her first priority and I can design a work schedule that suits me. I left the meeting and went to Nando’s straight away to resign. That manager, from the company that sponsored me, is now a good friend of mine. I worked with her for several years and although we no longer work together, she still asks if I would be interested in working with her again.
That year was and will always be meaningful to me. I remember feeling so much uncertainty about my future but always had faith in God. That He had my best interest and as long as I gave it my best, He would take care of the rest. I often think about what my score would have been if I didn’t have to move and live with my aunty, if grandfather wasn’t sick in the hospital, if I had the environment to study. Would I have been able to achieve something higher? But there is no use in thinking ‘what if’. Things happen and you just have to deal with it the best way that you can. Every time people would put me down or try to discourage me, I used it as motivation. It would make me more determined to work harder and to aim higher. I am grateful for all the challenges, obstacles and hardships that I had to endure because they made me a stronger person, a person who never gives up, who will never let anything or anyone get in the way of achieving my goal.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Year 12
We came to Australia to have a better life. To have opportunities and for me, it was to get an education, a university degree that would lead me to a good job. I was determined to do just that. I set out to achieve as much as I could academically at school. It was going so well that I had time for extra-curricular activities like the church choir, participate in community musicals, at Year 11, I successfully completed two Year 12 subjects and I even had a job working at McDonalds, after school and on weekends. Everything was going well until I got to Year 12. In high school, year 12 felt like the most important year. Everyone’s goal was to complete Year 12 with the highest ENTER score possible, out of 100, to ensure a greater chance of being accepted into a desired course. Anything over 90 was considered high and rare for the public school I attended. On top of all that, a few of the students were advised to apply for a cadetship program which selects 20 students out of around 300 who applied every year. The cadetship program would get a company to sponsor you, pay your university fees, pay for all your textbooks, give you an allowance of $120 per week and you will have the opportunity to do work experience with that company for 3 weeks every year you were at uni. Many of the cadets are also then offered employment with that company. I was determined to do my best to get a high ENTER score and get a cadetship.
The year started out fine, I selected my subjects with guidance from my teachers. To get extra points towards the ENTER score, there were certain subjects that could be selected. They were more challenging but I wanted to give them a go. I chose Maths Methods, Specialist Maths, Physics, Chemistry, Biology and, English was compulsory. My first semester went very well. I got A’s and A plus’ on my exams however I wasn’t enjoying some of the subjects and since I had already completed two high scoring Year 12 subjects while I was completing Year 11, I was able to drop two subjects. I chose to drop Biology and Physics to my teachers’ disappointment. The second semester started off well however when it was time for me to study for my final exams, we had to move to my auntie’s house which was around an hour away from school. My aunty tried her best to create an environment where I could study, she knew that I was going through my final exams and she wanted me to succeed despite everything that was going on at the time. However, at that time, my grandfather was very sick and was in hospital so the household was hectic, everyone was stressed out and there were a lot of people around all the time. It was not an ideal place where one could study peacefully, let alone concentrate. Everyday, my brother and I would have to travel by bus and train to get to school. After school, we would have to meet up with my mum at her work, go to the hospital to see grandfather then wait for a lift home. By the time we got home, it was late. I tried to study where I could but I did a lot more praying than studying.
I knew that my concentration level was very low at school. I had so much to deal with outside of school that my schoolwork was suffering. My teachers even had a special meeting to discuss how they could help me concentrate better, thank God for them. One of my teachers offered for me to live with her and her husband. She said she will set up a study for me at her house so that I could concentrate better. I told her that although I appreciated the thought, I couldn’t leave my family. She understood. My teachers worked extra hours to assist me as I prepared for my exams. They went above and beyond their call of duty and to this day, I will never forget their kindness and their belief in me and my abilities.
Soon, my exams started. I did the best that I could with them. I knew that I could have done better if I had studied more but it wasn’t a possibility at that time. I accepted that. I remember the night before my Chemistry exam. I studied then went to sleep. In the middle of the night, my aunty received a phone call from the hospital. My grandfather had passed away. It was not a shock but it was still a very sad event. Mum told me to go back to sleep and we would go to the hospital in the morning. We went to the hospital in the morning. A lot of our relatives would arrive soon after. When everyone had gathered, Mum told me to pray for grandfather. I led our family in prayer, thanking God for giving us the chance to re-unite with grandfather. When everything had settled down, I went and called my Year 12 Coordinator to let her know that my grandfather had passed away and what she thinks I should do about my exam. At that stage, I was late for it and I would not be allowed in. She told me that I should still go to school and attempt the exam. I would have to complete it alone, in a separate room and she will explain to the Board of Education the reason why. They will take it all into consideration when they calculate my ENTER score. My cousin and her fiancé drove me to school.
As I walked through the doors at school, the Year 12 Coordinator was waiting by the door. She handed me a bunch of roses and gave me a hug, telling me how sorry she was for the loss of my grandfather. She started to cry. I tried to stay strong, to focus and gather my thoughts. She led me into one of the classrooms and I had to begin my exam. It was a challenging one and I prayed that I had given it a decent attempt. I had to accept the situation but I also owed it to myself to give it my best shot.
Just before my English exam, which was also the last exam, we moved back home. I didn’t have time to study as we had just had grandfather’s funeral. I was responsible for the Eulogy. So to study for my English exams, I decided to memorise quotes from the novels we read during the year and prayed that the questions would be about those parts of the novels. I remember the day of the English exams very clearly. I got ready, prayed and walked to school. A lot of students were already gathered outside the exam hall. Some were reading the novels, some were writing notes, some were listening to music and some were discussing their exams. I stood around the people who were discussing their exams and there were two boys in particular. One asked me how I was going with my exams. I told him that I was going ok, not wanting to go into too much detail. Then the other boy said “I bet you will fail this English exam, I heard you had to move and live with your aunty, your life is really messed up, you’re not going to make it”. Then the two boys decided to have a bet. One said I will fail and the other said I will pass. I decided not to say anything. But deep inside, I was determined to prove that I was going to make it.
Soon, we were allowed to enter the exam hall. We were given time to read the questions and then start the exam. Praise God! The questions were related to parts of the novels I had studied and memorised. I was writing away. I was writing pages and pages and had to take frequent breaks as my fingers started to cramp. I looked around and some people were struggling to write a page. We were then given a warning that time was nearly up. I concluded my essays and double checked that I had fulfilled all the requirements. Soon we were given an option to either leave the hall if we had finished our exams or stay back to double check everything, I noticed that some people decided to leave. I decided to stay back and pray. I wanted to thank God for His guidance and for allowing me to give it my all. I surrendered it all to Him. When it was time to leave the hall, I walked out and some people came up to me and asked me how I thought I went. I said that I answered the questions and hopefully my answers and the way I presented them was good enough. Then some asked me why I stayed back when I had the option to leave the hall. They wanted to know if I was trying to finish the exam or if I had a problem. I told them that I decided to stay back and pray. A girl said to me “why would you pray? Praying doesn’t do anything”. I told her that I was giving thanks. She asked me what for. I told her that I was giving thanks for everything. I guess they didn’t understand what I had to give thanks for.
It felt like such a long time before I could find out my results from the exams and what my ENTER score was. Mum was so worried that I would stress out, she told me that she would be happy if I just passed with an ENTER score of 60 or 70. I thanked Mum, I hoped for something higher but knew that I had to be realistic and be prepared for anything. The day finally arrived. My result was just a phone call away. But I must have forgotten about it because I decided to go to school instead to get something from my teacher. As soon as I walked through the door, my English teacher came out to see me. She was smiling and gave me a hug. She said she was so proud of me. I asked her why. She looked at me and said “Oh, you don’t know yet?
To be continued...
The year started out fine, I selected my subjects with guidance from my teachers. To get extra points towards the ENTER score, there were certain subjects that could be selected. They were more challenging but I wanted to give them a go. I chose Maths Methods, Specialist Maths, Physics, Chemistry, Biology and, English was compulsory. My first semester went very well. I got A’s and A plus’ on my exams however I wasn’t enjoying some of the subjects and since I had already completed two high scoring Year 12 subjects while I was completing Year 11, I was able to drop two subjects. I chose to drop Biology and Physics to my teachers’ disappointment. The second semester started off well however when it was time for me to study for my final exams, we had to move to my auntie’s house which was around an hour away from school. My aunty tried her best to create an environment where I could study, she knew that I was going through my final exams and she wanted me to succeed despite everything that was going on at the time. However, at that time, my grandfather was very sick and was in hospital so the household was hectic, everyone was stressed out and there were a lot of people around all the time. It was not an ideal place where one could study peacefully, let alone concentrate. Everyday, my brother and I would have to travel by bus and train to get to school. After school, we would have to meet up with my mum at her work, go to the hospital to see grandfather then wait for a lift home. By the time we got home, it was late. I tried to study where I could but I did a lot more praying than studying.
I knew that my concentration level was very low at school. I had so much to deal with outside of school that my schoolwork was suffering. My teachers even had a special meeting to discuss how they could help me concentrate better, thank God for them. One of my teachers offered for me to live with her and her husband. She said she will set up a study for me at her house so that I could concentrate better. I told her that although I appreciated the thought, I couldn’t leave my family. She understood. My teachers worked extra hours to assist me as I prepared for my exams. They went above and beyond their call of duty and to this day, I will never forget their kindness and their belief in me and my abilities.
Soon, my exams started. I did the best that I could with them. I knew that I could have done better if I had studied more but it wasn’t a possibility at that time. I accepted that. I remember the night before my Chemistry exam. I studied then went to sleep. In the middle of the night, my aunty received a phone call from the hospital. My grandfather had passed away. It was not a shock but it was still a very sad event. Mum told me to go back to sleep and we would go to the hospital in the morning. We went to the hospital in the morning. A lot of our relatives would arrive soon after. When everyone had gathered, Mum told me to pray for grandfather. I led our family in prayer, thanking God for giving us the chance to re-unite with grandfather. When everything had settled down, I went and called my Year 12 Coordinator to let her know that my grandfather had passed away and what she thinks I should do about my exam. At that stage, I was late for it and I would not be allowed in. She told me that I should still go to school and attempt the exam. I would have to complete it alone, in a separate room and she will explain to the Board of Education the reason why. They will take it all into consideration when they calculate my ENTER score. My cousin and her fiancé drove me to school.
As I walked through the doors at school, the Year 12 Coordinator was waiting by the door. She handed me a bunch of roses and gave me a hug, telling me how sorry she was for the loss of my grandfather. She started to cry. I tried to stay strong, to focus and gather my thoughts. She led me into one of the classrooms and I had to begin my exam. It was a challenging one and I prayed that I had given it a decent attempt. I had to accept the situation but I also owed it to myself to give it my best shot.
Just before my English exam, which was also the last exam, we moved back home. I didn’t have time to study as we had just had grandfather’s funeral. I was responsible for the Eulogy. So to study for my English exams, I decided to memorise quotes from the novels we read during the year and prayed that the questions would be about those parts of the novels. I remember the day of the English exams very clearly. I got ready, prayed and walked to school. A lot of students were already gathered outside the exam hall. Some were reading the novels, some were writing notes, some were listening to music and some were discussing their exams. I stood around the people who were discussing their exams and there were two boys in particular. One asked me how I was going with my exams. I told him that I was going ok, not wanting to go into too much detail. Then the other boy said “I bet you will fail this English exam, I heard you had to move and live with your aunty, your life is really messed up, you’re not going to make it”. Then the two boys decided to have a bet. One said I will fail and the other said I will pass. I decided not to say anything. But deep inside, I was determined to prove that I was going to make it.
Soon, we were allowed to enter the exam hall. We were given time to read the questions and then start the exam. Praise God! The questions were related to parts of the novels I had studied and memorised. I was writing away. I was writing pages and pages and had to take frequent breaks as my fingers started to cramp. I looked around and some people were struggling to write a page. We were then given a warning that time was nearly up. I concluded my essays and double checked that I had fulfilled all the requirements. Soon we were given an option to either leave the hall if we had finished our exams or stay back to double check everything, I noticed that some people decided to leave. I decided to stay back and pray. I wanted to thank God for His guidance and for allowing me to give it my all. I surrendered it all to Him. When it was time to leave the hall, I walked out and some people came up to me and asked me how I thought I went. I said that I answered the questions and hopefully my answers and the way I presented them was good enough. Then some asked me why I stayed back when I had the option to leave the hall. They wanted to know if I was trying to finish the exam or if I had a problem. I told them that I decided to stay back and pray. A girl said to me “why would you pray? Praying doesn’t do anything”. I told her that I was giving thanks. She asked me what for. I told her that I was giving thanks for everything. I guess they didn’t understand what I had to give thanks for.
It felt like such a long time before I could find out my results from the exams and what my ENTER score was. Mum was so worried that I would stress out, she told me that she would be happy if I just passed with an ENTER score of 60 or 70. I thanked Mum, I hoped for something higher but knew that I had to be realistic and be prepared for anything. The day finally arrived. My result was just a phone call away. But I must have forgotten about it because I decided to go to school instead to get something from my teacher. As soon as I walked through the door, my English teacher came out to see me. She was smiling and gave me a hug. She said she was so proud of me. I asked her why. She looked at me and said “Oh, you don’t know yet?
To be continued...
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