It all comes back to love

Earlier tonight, as my husband and I were preparing dinner, our sons were playing drums on the tiled floor. They were both playing nicely until we hear our youngest, louder son, screaming at our oldest son. A few seconds after that, our oldest son cried out saying that his little brother had hit him on the face three times with the drum stick. I went to check on him and then looked at my youngest son. Even at 16 months, he knew he had done his brother wrong because he kept looking down and started whinging as I told him that he has not been very nice by hitting his brother.

Of course, as usual, half an hour later, they were both giggling and hugging each other once again. All was forgotten and they were both each other’s best friends. As I listened to them having fun, I said a little prayer. I prayed that as my sons grow up, despite their disagreements, I hope they will still remember their love for each other and our love for them. I hope they will not let their ego, pride, differences or whatever happens in their life to come between them even when we are no longer with them.

It is difficult for families who are close to each other to understand or comprehend that there are families out there where brothers and sisters or parents and children don’t get along. Some will say that it is just impossible because of different personalities, some have had things happen that cannot be forgiven and some are just so full of pride that none of them want to make the first step towards reconciliation. It results in huge arguments, uncomfortable family gatherings or worst of all, in my opinion; it results in families never getting together at all. As a parent it would deeply sadden me to know that my children were so angry at each other that they could not be in the same room. That they would not seek each other out or their children would not be able to see each other because I value my extended family. My cousins, my aunties, my uncles and my grandparents, when they were still alive, are a big part of my life.

A former work colleague of mine was very excited to go to her parents’ house for her birthday dinner. She was telling me about the food they would eat and how it would be nice to catch up with her mum and dad. I knew she has a sister so I asked her if her sister would be joining in on the birthday celebration. Her reply surprised me “No way – I’m not going to let her ruin my birthday, she is definitely not going to be there, I told her not to come!” When I asked her why she did not want her sister there, she told me that they have never been close. They didn’t have anything in common and her sister spent her life making my colleague’s life miserable. I could not comprehend her answer. Surely when you were both little girls you’d play together and have pretend tea parties with your dolls. “No!” she said, “we were never close…”
It saddens me to think that a gap between two sisters can grow so big that even when they were both adults, they couldn’t see past their differences to come together for a family get-together. Where is the parents’ involvement in all this? Did they not see this issue in their daughters’ relationship?

Another friend of mine believes that once people get married, they let their partners dictate whether they should or should not see their family. She said that her brother doesn’t come and visit her as much as before because his wife doesn’t like to come to her house and doesn’t want him to visit his sister on his own. My friend’s father said he doesn’t see his siblings because their partners only want to spend time with their side of the family and doesn’t have time for his. I believe that marriage is something that should enrich your life further, especially in terms of spending time with family and nurturing existing relationships. People should not allow their partners to determine who they are allowed to see and who they spend time with. Relatives also should not assume that it is the partners who are to blame. If you are old enough to get married, you should be old enough to make your own decisions. I would be a very unhappy person if my husband was to tell me that I am not to see my family. It would be something that is unacceptable to me. Then again, I would not marry someone who would place such restrictions on me.

At the end of the day, I believe that our relationship with our family has to be valued from a very young age. It is something that parents should pay close attention to, they should lead by example and they should set expectations. Another work colleague of mine has invited his three adult children for dinner at his new house. He doesn’t see them much and wanted to catch up. When I asked him what he was going to make for dinner he said “Something cheap, not the usual food I’d have with my current wife, otherwise they will keep coming back for more!” I don’t know what expectations he had for his relationship with his children but from that answer I am guessing that he doesn’t mind only seeing them on rare occasions. I am glad that my parents always try to give us the best they can give. I see my parents, my brother and his girlfriend most weekends and we are only a phone call away but I cherish every moment and look forward to the next time we get together as a family.