Internal Distractions

Distraction – something that draws your attention away…

My 4 year old son enjoys watching The Simpsons. The only problem; it is usually on when he is eating his dinner. He would sit there with a spoonful of food between the plate and his mouth and his eyes would be fixated on the television. So, I’d tell him “you better eat otherwise I will turn the TV off”. To which he replied, “But if I eat, I will miss out, so just turn it off and I will watch it when I finish eating”. The Simpsons was a distraction and my son decided to eliminate it while he completed his goal – eating his dinner. Distractions are everywhere. It could be a workmate trying to have a conversation with you while you are trying to finish that report. A handsome guy or a beautiful girl walking down the street while you’re driving or the telephone, ringing, while you are in a meeting. However, those distractions can easily be ignored or turned off. You can tell your workmate that you will catch up with them at another time. You can ignore the guy or girl and keep driving safely and you can put your phone on silent. But there are other distractions that are not so easily turned off. These distractions occur internally.

“You’re not smart enough”. “You’re too weak”. “If only your brain wasn’t as hard as a rock”. “Pity you’re not prettier”. “Don’t apply for that job; you should stick to something more at your level”. “You’ve tried and you’ve failed, let’s not go through that again”. We all have that voice that tells us not to do something because we are not good enough or because we have tried and failed. It could be the voice of our parents, friends, teachers or it could even be our own that distracts us from achieving our goal. These voices are not easy to ignore or turn off. Some people live their whole lives listening to these voices. They start believing in them and stop fulfilling their dreams, shelve their ambitions and surrender to the fact that they were never good enough and should be satisfied with their current situation. But some refuse to give in to this distraction. They refuse to listen to these voices and decide to keep striving for success to prove the voices wrong. In many cases, they manage to turn the voices from distraction to the motivation that encourages them to fulfil their dreams.

There are people who are not prepared to put in the hard work required to achieve their goals. They believe that they should not waste time with starting at the bottom and working their way up. They feel over-qualified for that and think they deserve to start at the top. These people are so distracted by their arrogance that they miss out on opportunities to work on reaching their goal. There was a guy I knew who was looking for a job after he completed his degree at university. He kept complaining that there was nothing out there. He had applied for so many roles but was unsuccessful. They told him that he was under-qualified which baffled him since he had a bachelor’s degree and they told him that he was an unfavourable candidate due to his lack of experience. Instead, they offered him some entry-level positions which he declined. We asked him what kind of jobs he had applied for and he showed us the advertisements. The positions he had applied for had titles like “Managing Director” or “Senior Manager”. We explained to him that although his qualification may be enough, he did not have the experience to back up his application. He then asked me and my husband, how we got our jobs. We told him that we started at the entry-level and even to get that we were asked whether we had worked previously in any type of employment. My husband worked at a petrol station and I had worked delivering newspaper, served at McDonald’s and Nando’s and other administration roles. We then got promotions along the way but always worked hard to prove our abilities. He then told us there was no way he would do that. He’s not going to do those types of jobs now that he had a degree. He studied too hard to be just an entry-level employee. However, after so many rejections and no job offers besides those for an entry-level position, he decided to put aside his arrogance and accepted that he had to start somewhere.

To me, there is nothing worse than being in competition with others when it comes to life in general. I don’t understand why people compare their jobs, their wealth, their car, their TVs or their clothing to others. People get so distracted by what others have that they waste so much time, energy and resources, or borrowed resources, to keep up. They don’t realise that it will never end. There will always be someone with something better than yours. It is much better to feel content and satisfied that you have achieved your goal than trying to keep up with someone else’s. So don’t be distracted by what others have. Be in competition with yourself. Focus on what you need and what you want.

Internal distractions cannot be controlled physically. You cannot turn your back on them, turn them off with a remote control or close the door on them. They play on your emotions and can be very successful in drawing your attention away from what you wish to achieve. However, in some cases, they can motivate you to keep going. So take advantage of them and use them to achieve your goal.

The Woman with the Married Man

I was in a conference at work when a workmate, who was married with a newborn daughter, decided it was appropriate to place his hand on my lap. Of course, I lifted up his hand off my lap and gave it back to him. He must have got a glance of my engagement ring because he said “Oh, sorry, I didn’t know you were engaged”. To which I replied “It would not have made any difference. I am not that kind of girl. How is your wife and baby girl by the way?” I thought I’d ask him just incase he thought I didn’t know he was married despite the fact that we had discussed the difficulties his wife had during labour. This got me thinking…why do married men think they can get away with hitting on other women? Is it because there are women who will let them get away with it? What kind of women are they? Why do they do it?

There are women who go for married men because they think “here is someone who is not afraid of commitment…maybe one day he will leave his wife and make a commitment to me”. Sure, he can make a commitment. The problem is; can he actually stick to that commitment long term? Anyone can get married but not everyone can stay committed to the marriage. And keep in mind, if he is cheating on his wife, what will stop him from cheating on his future wives? If you have an affair with a married man who then leaves his wife to be with you, will you be able to trust him knowing that you are with him as a result of an affair?

He is a ‘fixer-upper’. The poor guy had to get married because she fell pregnant with his baby. His marriage was arranged, he doesn’t love her. She doesn’t listen to him. She doesn’t give him enough attention. They are always fighting. They are not talking. They don’t even sleep in the same bed. He cannot deal with it all. Life is so complicated. He needs me. He tells me that he can’t live without me. I am the only one who understands. I am the only one who makes him feel appreciated. I can fix him. I will make him better. I will make him a better man. I am the one who loves him. Some women believe it is their calling to ‘fix’ married men. They know that he is married but they believe him when he tells them that he is not happy. That she is the only one who can make him happy, who can make him endure his marriage. She doesn’t mind that he only sees her to tell her about all his problems. That way, she feels needed, she feels like she has a purpose.

These days, we know that there are a lot of men out there who does not want to make a commitment. But there are also women who do not want to make a commitment. They may prefer to focus more on their career, have been in a serious relationship that didn’t work out or prefer not to be in a serious relationship. So they go for married men because those men are not likely to want a serious relationship either. They will just get together and they can leave without feeling accountable to each other. There are no commitments made, no emotional attachments and she is free to walk away whenever she wants – no strings attached.

A sense of entitlement can sometimes convince a woman that she deserves to be with a man even though he is married. If his wife chooses to take him for granted then she should not be surprised that he would go and find someone who will appreciate him. Besides, why would he stray if she was taking such good care of him? A good wife should be able to keep her husband. It is the wife’s fault that he has chosen to have an affair.
Some women are blinded by expensive gifts, luxurious getaways and all the romance money can buy that they don’t care if he is married. There are a lot of things people are willing to do for money so the term ‘gold-digger’ is nothing new.

I told the guy who was hitting on me that I am not that kind of girl. I have too much self respect to ever feel that it is ok to be with a married man. What kind of man would cheat on his wife? What kind of man thinks that I would be easily tempted? What level of respect did he have for me since he thought it was ok to put his hand on my lap? He was clearly embarrassed when I spoke up and showed my disapproval. Needless to say he never made another attempt on me. However, I am sure if a woman was willing, he would not think twice about having an affair.

What is Your Deal-Breaker?

We live in a time when divorce is no longer something that is unheard of. In the old days, people stay married to ensure approval from society, to keep the family together, and in many cases to ensure financial security. Men wanted to ensure that he was seen as the head of the family who was capable of keeping everyone in line and women did not have the ability to support themselves or any of their children if they were to leave their husbands who would be the sole bread winner. But times have changed and couples opt for divorce with infidelity, financial problems and emotional, psychological and physical abuse as some of the top reasons for divorce.

In saying that, there are many couples out there who remain married despite the presence of all the above reasons. Husbands put up with wives who cheat, wives accepts that their husband has a gambling problem and there are those who live with abuse every single day but they either don’t have the courage to walk out or are in denial about their partner's love or lack of love for that matter.

A woman I knew walked in to the supermarket one day and we said hello to each other and started talking about what has been happening in our lives. The next day, I spoke to a friend of mine who also knew that woman. I told my friend that I was so impressed by how that woman is taking care of herself. Her hair looked like she had just come from the salon, her nails were perfectly manicured and she looked like she had been going to the gym to lose some weight. I remember saying “Marriage must be good for her” since she had just married someone who I also knew and both had come out of a divorce. But my friend said something that totally surprised me. She told me that the woman’s husband, who was a high-level manager that travelled a lot, had a “woman in every port”. Apparently everyone knew about it, including his wife. “And she is ok with that?” I asked my friend. “Well, I think she accepts it because her first marriage was horrible, her husband used to beat her, had a gambling problem and she and her kids were nearly out on the street”, she answered, “but this guy she just married treats her differently, he never lays a finger on her, he bought her a beautiful house, pays for her children to go to private schools, she gets her hair and nails done every week, has massages and anything she likes”. I guess to that woman, her husband’s infidelity is not so much of a deal-breaker as her first husband’s abuse and inability to provide for her financially.

Another woman I know is with a man who did not contribute financially in their marriage. Before they were married, she had her own apartment in the wealthy side of Melbourne and he had a small unit in the outer suburbs. She was happy for them to live in her apartment however he wanted a house with a pool, a big backyard and lot of room located close to the city. So she decided to rent out her apartment and they both bought a house together. He took a job in another state because it paid well and she has always been independent and didn’t mind being apart, seeing her husband every other weekend. But she soon realised that only her income was going into their joint account. His pay did not. Whenever she asked him for money to pay the bills and the mortgage, he would tell her that he didn’t get paid or he had bought necessities. This would go on for months and she soon realised that she was the one paying for everything and he had not contributed at all. It wasn’t until something showed up in their credit card bill that she realised the necessities he was referring to. He had been lying to her all this time about not being paid. He was getting paid regularly but had also regularly used the money to pay for escorts while he was away. She told me that she could cope with the financial issues however knowing that he had been unfaithful to her all this time was something that she could not put up with since her first husband had cheated on her too.

A lot of people in abusive relationships get judged for staying in that relationship. Those looking from the outside wonder why those being abused stick around. Why don’t they just leave? Why do they put up with it? Some choose to stay because they are afraid to leave. Some choose to stay because they think being emotionally abused is not as bad as being physically abused. Some believe that it is their fault that they are being abused. Some believe that their marriage is perfect and the abuse is just a small part that they have to cope with. They don’t want to leave, because leaving means saying goodbye to the beautiful home, a great circle of friends, financial security, their social comfort zone or worse, it may mean giving up their children. While for some people, abuse is a deal-breaker, to others it is worth putting up with the pain rather than deal with the consequences.

What is a deal-breaker for you? Do you believe that a marriage should be able to overcome anything? Or is it all about making a sacrifice to gain something else in return?

Year 12 Continued...

You are the only one in the year level to get an A in your English exam!” I was in shock. I told her that I didn’t know but I was so relieved. Then my Year 12 Coordinator came out of her office, she had a big smile on her face too. She asked me if I knew what my ENTER score was. I told her I haven’t got my results yet. She told me to go home and dial the information line to get my score. She told me that I will be pleased but she didn’t want to ruin it.

I went home. I dialled the number and punched in my student number. I listened for my result but when I heard it, I hung up the phone. I thought for sure, I punched in the wrong student number, it couldn’t be my score. I told myself to get it together and dialled again, this time, ensuring that I punched in my student number very slowly to make sure that it was the correct one. I heard it again, the same score as before. I was over the moon. I called my mum at her work. When she got on the phone I told her that I got my results. She asked me what I got. I told her to guess. She said 65? 70? 80? I couldn’t hold it in any longer so I told her. “I got 91.9, Mum!” I said. Mum was so happy. I was happy for my Mum. I called my Year 12 Coordinator and told her that I got my results. She said she was so proud of me and I had to go to school as they are taking a photo of the students who achieved a score over 90. As I walked in, I could tell that many of the students who were there to share their scores were shocked that I was going to have a photo taken. There were only a few of us who achieved a score over 90. There were only 3 or 4, I think. The two boys who were placing bets on me came up and asked me what score I got. The one betting that I would fail said that I couldn’t have got over 90 because the girl who he thought was smarter than me got a score of 85. Before I could answer him, he grabbed a letter which had my score on it to have a look for himself. He was dumbfounded. I didn’t think it was worthwhile to say anything.

I received several offers for the courses that I applied for. Different universities sent me a letter telling me that I had been accepted. I chose one that was in the city as I was also working at Nando’s in the city at that time. I soon received a phone call regarding an interview with a company who was interested in sponsoring me for the cadetship program. I went to the interview and as I was going through the door, a girl from my school who had a higher ENTER score than me walked out. She had just been interviewed and I guess I was competing with her for a sponsorship. I didn’t let it get to me. My interview went well. They were pleased with my results and pleased that I also had extra curricular activities. They wanted someone who had academic abilities but also had people skills. They wanted someone who would be flexible enough to manage a lot of different tasks. I left the interview and was hopeful that I would get the cadetship but was also aware that I was competing with hundreds of students wanting the same thing. Some had higher ENTER scores than me.

After the interview, I decided to go and buy some stationery. I was daydreaming about getting the cadetship and hopefully getting a better job so I could quit Nando’s. The manager was really mean to me but I couldn’t quit because I needed the money. While I was at the supermarket, I received a phone call. It was the manager from the company I was just interviewed by. She called to let me know that I had been chosen. They wanted to sponsor me in the cadetship program. She asked me to meet her for a coffee the next day. I was jumping for joy. God was spoiling me. I met her for a coffee and she asked me whether I’d also be interested in working for her, doing some administration and hopefully gain some experience and extra cash. I told her that I would love to, however will have to ensure that it fits in with my uni schedule. She told me that my education is her first priority and I can design a work schedule that suits me. I left the meeting and went to Nando’s straight away to resign. That manager, from the company that sponsored me, is now a good friend of mine. I worked with her for several years and although we no longer work together, she still asks if I would be interested in working with her again.

That year was and will always be meaningful to me. I remember feeling so much uncertainty about my future but always had faith in God. That He had my best interest and as long as I gave it my best, He would take care of the rest. I often think about what my score would have been if I didn’t have to move and live with my aunty, if grandfather wasn’t sick in the hospital, if I had the environment to study. Would I have been able to achieve something higher? But there is no use in thinking ‘what if’. Things happen and you just have to deal with it the best way that you can. Every time people would put me down or try to discourage me, I used it as motivation. It would make me more determined to work harder and to aim higher. I am grateful for all the challenges, obstacles and hardships that I had to endure because they made me a stronger person, a person who never gives up, who will never let anything or anyone get in the way of achieving my goal.

Year 12

We came to Australia to have a better life. To have opportunities and for me, it was to get an education, a university degree that would lead me to a good job. I was determined to do just that. I set out to achieve as much as I could academically at school. It was going so well that I had time for extra-curricular activities like the church choir, participate in community musicals, at Year 11, I successfully completed two Year 12 subjects and I even had a job working at McDonalds, after school and on weekends. Everything was going well until I got to Year 12. In high school, year 12 felt like the most important year. Everyone’s goal was to complete Year 12 with the highest ENTER score possible, out of 100, to ensure a greater chance of being accepted into a desired course. Anything over 90 was considered high and rare for the public school I attended. On top of all that, a few of the students were advised to apply for a cadetship program which selects 20 students out of around 300 who applied every year. The cadetship program would get a company to sponsor you, pay your university fees, pay for all your textbooks, give you an allowance of $120 per week and you will have the opportunity to do work experience with that company for 3 weeks every year you were at uni. Many of the cadets are also then offered employment with that company. I was determined to do my best to get a high ENTER score and get a cadetship.

The year started out fine, I selected my subjects with guidance from my teachers. To get extra points towards the ENTER score, there were certain subjects that could be selected. They were more challenging but I wanted to give them a go. I chose Maths Methods, Specialist Maths, Physics, Chemistry, Biology and, English was compulsory. My first semester went very well. I got A’s and A plus’ on my exams however I wasn’t enjoying some of the subjects and since I had already completed two high scoring Year 12 subjects while I was completing Year 11, I was able to drop two subjects. I chose to drop Biology and Physics to my teachers’ disappointment. The second semester started off well however when it was time for me to study for my final exams, we had to move to my auntie’s house which was around an hour away from school. My aunty tried her best to create an environment where I could study, she knew that I was going through my final exams and she wanted me to succeed despite everything that was going on at the time. However, at that time, my grandfather was very sick and was in hospital so the household was hectic, everyone was stressed out and there were a lot of people around all the time. It was not an ideal place where one could study peacefully, let alone concentrate. Everyday, my brother and I would have to travel by bus and train to get to school. After school, we would have to meet up with my mum at her work, go to the hospital to see grandfather then wait for a lift home. By the time we got home, it was late. I tried to study where I could but I did a lot more praying than studying.

I knew that my concentration level was very low at school. I had so much to deal with outside of school that my schoolwork was suffering. My teachers even had a special meeting to discuss how they could help me concentrate better, thank God for them. One of my teachers offered for me to live with her and her husband. She said she will set up a study for me at her house so that I could concentrate better. I told her that although I appreciated the thought, I couldn’t leave my family. She understood. My teachers worked extra hours to assist me as I prepared for my exams. They went above and beyond their call of duty and to this day, I will never forget their kindness and their belief in me and my abilities.

Soon, my exams started. I did the best that I could with them. I knew that I could have done better if I had studied more but it wasn’t a possibility at that time. I accepted that. I remember the night before my Chemistry exam. I studied then went to sleep. In the middle of the night, my aunty received a phone call from the hospital. My grandfather had passed away. It was not a shock but it was still a very sad event. Mum told me to go back to sleep and we would go to the hospital in the morning. We went to the hospital in the morning. A lot of our relatives would arrive soon after. When everyone had gathered, Mum told me to pray for grandfather. I led our family in prayer, thanking God for giving us the chance to re-unite with grandfather. When everything had settled down, I went and called my Year 12 Coordinator to let her know that my grandfather had passed away and what she thinks I should do about my exam. At that stage, I was late for it and I would not be allowed in. She told me that I should still go to school and attempt the exam. I would have to complete it alone, in a separate room and she will explain to the Board of Education the reason why. They will take it all into consideration when they calculate my ENTER score. My cousin and her fiancé drove me to school.

As I walked through the doors at school, the Year 12 Coordinator was waiting by the door. She handed me a bunch of roses and gave me a hug, telling me how sorry she was for the loss of my grandfather. She started to cry. I tried to stay strong, to focus and gather my thoughts. She led me into one of the classrooms and I had to begin my exam. It was a challenging one and I prayed that I had given it a decent attempt. I had to accept the situation but I also owed it to myself to give it my best shot.

Just before my English exam, which was also the last exam, we moved back home. I didn’t have time to study as we had just had grandfather’s funeral. I was responsible for the Eulogy. So to study for my English exams, I decided to memorise quotes from the novels we read during the year and prayed that the questions would be about those parts of the novels. I remember the day of the English exams very clearly. I got ready, prayed and walked to school. A lot of students were already gathered outside the exam hall. Some were reading the novels, some were writing notes, some were listening to music and some were discussing their exams. I stood around the people who were discussing their exams and there were two boys in particular. One asked me how I was going with my exams. I told him that I was going ok, not wanting to go into too much detail. Then the other boy said “I bet you will fail this English exam, I heard you had to move and live with your aunty, your life is really messed up, you’re not going to make it”. Then the two boys decided to have a bet. One said I will fail and the other said I will pass. I decided not to say anything. But deep inside, I was determined to prove that I was going to make it.

Soon, we were allowed to enter the exam hall. We were given time to read the questions and then start the exam. Praise God! The questions were related to parts of the novels I had studied and memorised. I was writing away. I was writing pages and pages and had to take frequent breaks as my fingers started to cramp. I looked around and some people were struggling to write a page. We were then given a warning that time was nearly up. I concluded my essays and double checked that I had fulfilled all the requirements. Soon we were given an option to either leave the hall if we had finished our exams or stay back to double check everything, I noticed that some people decided to leave. I decided to stay back and pray. I wanted to thank God for His guidance and for allowing me to give it my all. I surrendered it all to Him. When it was time to leave the hall, I walked out and some people came up to me and asked me how I thought I went. I said that I answered the questions and hopefully my answers and the way I presented them was good enough. Then some asked me why I stayed back when I had the option to leave the hall. They wanted to know if I was trying to finish the exam or if I had a problem. I told them that I decided to stay back and pray. A girl said to me “why would you pray? Praying doesn’t do anything”. I told her that I was giving thanks. She asked me what for. I told her that I was giving thanks for everything. I guess they didn’t understand what I had to give thanks for.

It felt like such a long time before I could find out my results from the exams and what my ENTER score was. Mum was so worried that I would stress out, she told me that she would be happy if I just passed with an ENTER score of 60 or 70. I thanked Mum, I hoped for something higher but knew that I had to be realistic and be prepared for anything. The day finally arrived. My result was just a phone call away. But I must have forgotten about it because I decided to go to school instead to get something from my teacher. As soon as I walked through the door, my English teacher came out to see me. She was smiling and gave me a hug. She said she was so proud of me. I asked her why. She looked at me and said “Oh, you don’t know yet?

To be continued...

The Suspicious Taxi Ride

I was required to attend a meeting in our Head Office one day which was located around 30 minutes from my office. I was going to drive myself however one of my colleagues offered to give me a lift as he was required to attend the same meeting. Unfortunately, when the meeting was over, he was required to attend another meeting therefore had to stay back and was unable to give me a lift back to our office, so I was required to take a taxi back. The receptionist called a taxi for me and I was soon on my way back, or so I thought.

The first thing that made me uncomfortable was that the taxi driver kept making calls and answering calls on his mobile phone, not using the hands-free, and he didn’t go the route I would have gone. It felt like he was on his way somewhere else. Whilst on the phone, he also kept saying that he was going to be somewhere in 10 minutes and I knew the trip would take longer than that. In between calls, he made small talk and kept talking about his family back home. He kept saying how much he missed them and how difficult it has been for him to settle in Melbourne. He said he felt lonely and sometimes depressed.

Around 10 minutes later, we were on the Princes Highway and he suddenly turned into a Hungry Jacks carpark and casually said “I will just be a few minutes, my friends are waiting for me”. What was I supposed to say to that? I remember thinking that I needed to get out of this taxi. But then I saw two men waiting at the carpark, leaning against a car. The taxi stopped and the driver started speaking to both men. They were speaking in their language so I couldn’t understand what they were saying. Then one of the men gave the driver a thick roll of cash and another one passed him a backpack. The backpack was passed on to him very slowly and was lying flat. He placed the backpack carefully on the passenger seat; I was sitting at the back. I wanted to get out then and there but couldn’t see anyone else around and was worried that the driver and his two friends would do something to me. I thought that maybe I was being paranoid but what if my instincts were right?

So I stayed in and started to think about what I would do. I couldn’t help thinking about what was in the bag. Why did they give him all that cash? Why were they so careful with the bag? Why is the bag lying flat like that? Usually backpacks are placed standing up. I didn’t want to think of the worst but I remember praying that I would see my family again and asking God for direction. They spoke a little more, everything probably took around 5 minutes but it felt very slow, then the driver took off and we were soon back on the highway.

I then saw Chadstone, a shopping centre, up ahead and all of a sudden said “Oh, is that Chadstone up ahead?”
The driver said “Yes, it is”.
“Sorry about this but would it be possible for you to just drop me off at Chadstone?” I asked him, “I actually have a contract for the Myer store manager and he said that I should drop them off if I am in the area, I didn’t realise we were going past”. I prayed that he would turn into the carpark, please God…let him turn into the carpark.
He said “So, you don’t want to go back to the city?”
“No…I should really give him this contract, my manager wants him to sign it as soon as possible”, I told him. He then turned into the carpark and stopped. He then asked if I wanted him to wait for me. I told him that I was unsure how long it would take so it was best that he didn’t wait for me. I offered to pay him the full fare but he only charged me for the short trip. I thanked him and left the taxi with a sigh of relief.

I made my way back to the office on a different taxi, no extra stop-over and the driver made me feel comfortable. I then made a complaint through the taxi’s website. It was an awful experience and whether I was over-reacting or not, I didn’t feel safe and did not have peace of mind whilst I was in that taxi. I never found out what was in the bag or what that stop-over was all about. But I was glad that I was no longer a part of it. I wish we lived in a world where we didn’t have to be threatened by these matters. Unfortunately we have seen too much and know too much to realise that sometimes it is better to be safe than sorry.

After Saying “I Do”

A reader has requested some tips for marriage after reading my post “Too Young for Marriage…”
I’d like to make it clear that I am not a marriage expert or qualified in the practice of giving advice, so all I can write about is what I have experienced in my 7 years of marriage and what I have observed around me. My marriage is not perfect, but no marriage is. Please be aware that all marriages are different as they include two individuals with different personalities, values and beliefs. However, to me, keeping to these general tips tend to help with the challenges that comes with being married.

Always put each other as first priority

Your relationship should come first. In every decision you make, you should ask yourself whether it will benefit your relationship or whether it will cause problems. This is not as easy as it sounds because sometimes this will involve family and friends and the outcome may cause you to be unpopular for a while but just remember, if they care about you, they will respect your decision and will be there for you anyway.

Be trustworthy and trust each other

Trust is not only about not lying to each other but it’s also about trusting that:
• You are safe with your partner
• You will not be hurt emotionally or physically
• You will not be neglected, your emotional and physical needs will be met
• You will be included in all decisions
• You have nothing to hide from each other, there are no surprises
• You will support each other no matter what

Communicate

Listen to what your partner has to say. Sometimes this means simply “to listen” and let them talk. It is also about saying exactly what you mean. If you want to get something off your chest then do it. Don’t say everything is ok and then get frustrated that your partner cannot read your mind.

Raise issues as you see them

If something is bothering you about your partner and you think it is something that should be addressed, then you should discuss it as soon as possible. Don’t put it off and stew about it until you explode. You will find that there may be a good explanation for why something is happening but you won’t find out until you discuss it.

Have disagreements

It is ok not to agree all the time but it is important to accept that about each other and compromise. You are both individuals so you can’t expect to be the same person. But if you disagree, argue about the issue and nothing else. I would be worried if I was in a relationship where there are no arguments. To me, that equates to no communication.

Pick your fights

My husband and I used to argue about the smallest things. What I said, what he said, what I should have done, what he was supposed to do, who’s going to take the rubbish out, who’s turn is it to cook. But you will find that as you move forward, life throws a lot of challenges at you and you will discover that all those little things you used to spend days arguing about and giving each other silent treatments for are nothing compared to what’s coming. It could be illness, loss of a loved one, financial hardships etc. That’s when you need each other and arguing is no longer relevant.

Be the best of “you” that you can be

This is not about your partner so much as it is about you. I believe that if you are the best version of you mentally and physically, you will be a happier person and a happier partner. This will in turn encourage your partner to do the same. It is about motivating each other in a positive way.

Make sure you can laugh together

Laughter is the best medicine. There is nothing like the joy of laughing together. Whether it is at each other’s expense or not, it’s always nice to be able to share funny moments.

Share the boring tasks

Let’s face it, unless you are fortunate enough to have a housekeeper and chef, you will need to do the boring tasks at home. It is important that you can rely on each other to share these tasks. They should not be limited to just one person to do. Growing up, all I hear are the women in my family complaining that in addition to working and taking care of the children, they also have to do everything in the house. I didn’t want to be one of those women who complains about their husbands. So I believe in both parties having a fair share.

Discuss your expectations

Don’t wait until you are married. You need to know and understand what you want out of the marriage. Whether it is about children, career, where you want to live, where you want to be in the future etc. Don’t expect your partner to change for you and don’t be so stubborn that you refuse to compromise your expectations.

Everybody makes mistakes

In the end, you are both human and you make mistakes. It is up to you whether you can forgive and forget. If you feel that your relationship can continue then do so. However, if you feel like it is something that will always question your partnership then you need to decide whether it is worth staying or if you should move on. Living in a relationship filled with mistrust, betrayal, guilt and disappointment will only cause bitterness and disrespect towards your partner. Life is too short for that.

Don’t discuss your marital problems with friends of the opposite sex

A friend of mine discussed her marital problems with a male friend. He was a great listener and after a while was telling her that she was too good for her husband and that she should leave her husband for him. He wasn’t looking after her best interest. He was looking after his best interest. She asked me what she should do. I told her that she should deal with her marriage first. If she wants to be with her friend then she should end her marriage before moving on. Unfaithfulness is something that I have a hard time tolerating. If you have a marital problem, only you and your partner can resolve it. So talk to each other. Family and genuine friends can only listen however the decision is up to you and your partner.

Give each other space

This is something I really struggled with at the start of my marriage. It all came down to my inability to trust, my sense of security in my marriage and this was all from what I have observed and experienced growing up, it had nothing to do with my relationship. I just couldn’t understand why my husband would want to spend time with his friends or family. I thought “was I not enough?” But I grew out of that, it took time, but I know that sometimes I like to spend time with my friends. I like to spend time with my family. And my husband gave me the freedom to do that so I should have the courtesy to do that for him.

Respect

Respect each other and treat your partner the way you'd like to be treated. This means having respect for yourself and showing others how you deserve to be treated.

Do something that your partner enjoys even if you don't

I cannot swim to save my life. But my husband wanted to go on a diving trip out in Far North Queensland. I went along, not because it was something I'd enjoy doing, but because I knew it would be nice to share something that my husband enjoys. When I arrived, he had arranged it so that I'd go diving too. I was terrified but still went through with it, even though there were reef sharks everywhere and land was nowhere in sight. I spent the whole time having my hand held by a diving instructor but at least I got to experience what my husband enjoys and it wasn't a bad thing. In saying that, my husband has sat through a lot of Romantic Comedies and is always available as my dancing partner even though I know he'd prefer to relax at home with an action movie.

80/20 Rule

If you are happy 80% of the time and unhappy 20% of the time, then you are ok. However, if you are only happy 20% of the time and unhappy 80% of the time, you need to do something about your relationship. Because it is not working or as my husband says “you’ve got to bail”.

One of my favourite things at the end of a long day is when my husband offers to make me a cup of tea or coffee. We would sit together and talk or watch TV but it is the simple gesture that means so much.

Feel free to share your thoughts, tips and opinions...

Comparing Apples and Oranges

Growing up with a mum who had a large family I felt like I was constantly compared to my female cousins. They could cook, help their mums clean, sew and are the perfect daughters while I preferred to spend my time reading my novels, singing, playing my guitar and studying. My mum always tried to get me in the kitchen and cook with her, hoping I would pick up the simplest dishes only to find that I was disinterested or just didn’t perform the task to her satisfaction. To put it simply, I was just not a traditional daughter like my cousins and as years went by, it seems trying to mould me that way would be impossible. My dad would be my saviour, when he heard my mum start to get frustrated that I wasn’t ‘getting it’, he would come in the kitchen and tell her that she should not stress out. He told her that I will learn to cook eventually, when I needed to. Then he would tell me to go back to my room and study.

Good Enough For Me

During the first years of my marriage, I found myself struggling to cook a meal that I was satisfied with, and my husband had to show me how to iron a shirt. But my dad was right. I slowly learnt how to cook, and as I completed more household chores it was more about ‘practice makes perfect’. Sure, I still can’t cook some of the traditional meals that my mum makes however I learnt to cook different meals. Meals that my husband would compliment me on and that’s good enough for me.

Compared To Me

A few years ago, I caught up with one of my cousins. I consider her to be a fantastic wife and mum. Her cooking is delicious and she was like the Martha Stewart of the family. Needless to say, she was one of the cousins I was constantly compared to. We were discussing our time growing up and she brought up the fact that her parents would sometimes compare her to me. I was surprised. What was it that I did that she couldn’t already do? What was it that I had achieved that she hadn’t? She told me that they would compare my academic abilities to hers. I was in shock. Then I told her that I was also constantly compared to her, but for my lack of abilities in the kitchen and around the house. We laughed. Clearly there were no hard feelings. But I could see that she was as hurt by it all as I was.

Motivation by Comparison

Looking back, I think our parents thought by comparing us; they were really trying to motivate us to be better. However, it was a form of motivation that did not leave room for flexibility. It didn’t allow us to excel in the areas we were passionate about. It didn’t allow us to be ourselves.
For many years, those comparisons would often discourage me. But I didn’t let it get me down. I decided that I would do things for myself. I wanted to be proud of me and my abilities even though it didn’t fit into the traditional ideals of what a girl should be.
I am now at the stage where I am actually starting to enjoy cooking and I am doing it a lot more for my family. But I also make time for my other passions. And I want my children to do the same.

Lessons Learned

In every past experiences, there are good and bad. Out of the experience of being constantly compared, I have learnt that I would not do the same with my children. I believe our mums had only the best intentions for us. It took me a while but I can see now that she is, and has always been, proud of me. Thinking back, I would not be surprised if my mum had gone through the same comparisons when she was younger. Back in the days when a girl’s place was in the kitchen and her only requirement growing up was to be a good housewife. The generational gap has since changed all that however I believe it is good to have a balance.
Yes, I will teach, motivate and encourage my children to do everyday chores and what else life will require of them. However, I will not try to make them feel like they should be like someone else. I will be proud and show them that I am proud of their achievements, no matter how small it may be. I will encourage their potentials and expose them to experiences and opportunities which will make them explore their passions, ideas and individuality. I will not put them down or make them feel inadequate. But most of all, I will encourage them to talk to me when they doubt my support for them. A child should not be required to do something to be special. Being who they are should be special enough.

Love Vs Wealth

Wealth is Compulsory

My mum has a friend who was in love with a man. This man was also in love with her. He wanted to marry her and went to ask her father for his permission to ask her to marry him. Her father said no. He didn’t think this man was good enough for his daughter. Yes, this man had a job but it wasn’t a high paying job. Her father wanted someone who was wealthy, who had a house, who earned a very good living. Love was not regarded at all. It was clear that the prerequisite was money. The man was disappointed. He knew that he didn’t earn much but he would have given her the world. He would have worked hard to buy them a house. He would look after her and wanted to grow old with her. He dreamt of raising a family with her. She was the love of his life.

All Money, No Love

He asked her to marry him anyway; he knew that she was in love with him too. She argued with her parents, she wanted their approval. Her father refused to give it. Her mother begged her to break up with the man she loved. She decided that she had to respect her parents’ wishes even though she disagreed with them. She broke up with the man she loved. Suitors visited to ask her to marry them, they all satisfied her father’s prerequisite but she refused them all. They were all money, none were love.

His Wedding

A year later, her family received a wedding invitation. It was him. It was the man she loved. He was getting married. He had moved on and found someone else. Her parents attended. She couldn’t do it to herself. They told her it was a big wedding. The groom came to say hello to them. He asked them how she was doing. They found out from guests at the wedding that he was doing very well. He had promotions at work. He was earning a good salary. He bought a big house in a new estate. The bride was a very lucky girl. You know how people talk. She was heartbroken. How could she have let him get away? She should have had faith in him. She should have listened to her heart. How could she let the love of her life go, just like that, without a fight? She didn’t care about what he was now; she loved him for what he was before. But it was too late and she had to live with her decision. She resented her parents for years and they regretted their decision because she has refused to marry anyone who they thought was perfect for her.

Love Is Always Worth The Risk

Where does he work? How much does he make? Does he own any properties? What kind of car does he drive? These questions are still common. Not all parents worry about all these things however many still do. Sure, it can be justified by the fact that they just want their daughters to have a sense of security, that she will be provided for and will not have financial difficulties. However, without love, no relationship will be able to survive on wealth alone. Yeah, ok, love does not put food on the table and love does not pay the bills. And many women agree with this theory, they choose to leave the person they love and settle for someone they can grow to love because of this fear that they will have nothing. But there are those who chose to take the risk and work together with their partners. They encourage and support each other to get to a stage where they are content, happy and know that they have done the best they can to provide for their family. Don’t get me wrong, there are no guarantees; relationships can fail. However, I would rather fail at something I chose, than fail at something that was chosen for me. To me, love is always worth the risk.

The Not-So-Good Friend

The Good Friend Turn Not-So-Good

Before we started our relationship, my husband had planned to go on an overseas trip with his best friend. So after starting our relationship for a month, he began his trip. While he was away, he said that I should get to know his friends. One of them was his best friend’s ex-wife. He told me that, although she was no longer with his best friend, she was still a good friend and I should try to spend some time with her. I agreed and gave her a call. We met up for drinks after work and since she was renovating her apartment, I gave her a hand with a few small things and it was nice to get to know someone from my husband’s circle of friends. She had lots of stories to tell me about my husband and we had a few laughs and I thought of her as a good friend of his. One night, while she was driving me home, she asked me how my relationship with my husband, then boyfriend, was going. I told her that it was going fine, that although he was away, we kept in touch every night via ICQ and by phone. She then proceeded to tell me about my husband’s best friend, who was also her ex-husband, mostly negative things leading to why they divorced. What bothered me was when she started to tell me how similar my husband was to her ex-husband. That they would be sleeping with a lot of women while they were overseas and that my relationship would not last. She told me that my husband wouldn’t marry me and that he was just ‘using’ me. Of course, I told her that I disagreed.

Should I tell on her?

I was so disappointed about the conversation I had with my husband’s friend. I kept thinking that if she was as good a friend as my husband thought her to be, why would she say all those things about him? Shouldn’t she be telling me what a great guy he was and basically telling me more about the positives than the negatives? How much did my husband know about his friend and how would he react if I told him what happened? Would he think that I was making it up to sabotage his friendship with her or would he believe me?

Disappointed

When I got home, I logged onto the Internet and as usual, my husband was waiting for me on ICQ. He was happy to hear that I had spent some time with his friend. As much as I didn’t want to discuss what had happened, I knew that I had to; I needed to tell him the truth about his friend and what she thought of him. So I did. I told him about the conversation, word for word. He was shocked of course; he told me that he didn’t understand why she would say those things about him. I told him that I was too. I only started spending time with her because I thought she was a good friend of his. To me, a good friend would not say such things about you and definitely would not try to get your partner thinking that you are cheating on them or that you are ‘using’ them. Needless to say, I didn’t spend anymore time with her. I didn’t need the negativity and have someone trying to make me doubt the trust I have in my husband.

True Colours

When my husband came back from overseas, he saw his friend a few times and found that she was really not a good friend after all. She only called when she needed something and started saying negative things about our relationship. My husband told me that she seemed jealous of what we have because things didn’t work out with her relationship. He then decided to stop seeing her and is no longer in contact with her.

Worthy to be a Friend

Sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference between good friends and not-so-good friends. Good friends would not put you down, they don’t sabotage your relationships and they certainly don’t call you just when they need something. Good friends are supportive, encouraging, they look out for your best interest, they call just because they want to know how you are going and you should be able to trust them 100%. Sometimes, it is difficult to see that a person who you’ve always thought is a good friend is really not. It can take a person from the outside looking in to see that someone is not who they seem to be. However, in the end, it is up to you to pay attention and decide whether this friend is positively contributing to your life or if they are really bringing you down. Life is too short to have not-so-good friends around. So get rid of them and make room for people who are worthy to be called “a friend”.

An Australianised Asian

A New Challenge

After managing the administration area of the Learning & Development department for a year, I was ready for a new challenge. I wanted to do something more IT related. The perfect opportunity came along when one of the company’s IT Trainer was promoted. My manager asked me if I was interested in the role. I told him that it would be a great challenge however I didn’t have a Certificate of Training and Assessment which is a requirement for the role. They told me that they would pay for me to complete the course and when I got my certificate, they would interview me for the role. I completed the course and was eventually promoted as the IT Trainer.

First Assignment

My first assignment as an IT Trainer was to go to Brisbane for three weeks and train State Managers, Branch Managers and Administrators on how to use a new application. I would fly there with the managers from Melbourne at 6am, go straight to the training site to set up and start training. I was nervous but excited at the same time. When we arrived at the training site, I started setting up the computers, there were 15 altogether as I had to train 15 people a day. People started arriving and I did not introduce myself because I was busily trying to set everything up so we could begin the session. Some of them decided to help me. They started to chat amongst themselves and one asked “When is the trainer arriving? I heard she is from Melbourne”.

Waiting for the Trainer

When everything was set up, I went to get a cup of coffee then went back into the training room. I went to sit at the front of the room, at the Trainer’s chair, and said in a loud voice “Ok everyone, let’s begin the training session. Please take a seat and sign the attendance sheet which will be passed around shortly”. One of the managers, who was not from Melbourne, said “We’re still waiting for the trainer”. I smiled and said “No, we are not, I am your trainer. My name is Jelvie Grech”. There were a few shocked expressions around the room however the session started and before long, we were done for the first day and went back to our hotel for drinks.

An Australian Sounding Assistant

After checking my emails in my hotel room, I went downstairs to the bar. I sat with the people I trained that day and they were talking about the session. I realised that I was the youngest person in the group, I was 23 at the time and everyone else would have been in their 40s or 50s. I was also the only Asian. Everyone else was Anglo-Australian. But I was used to that. I was also the only Asian in my department at the time. One of the managers I trained turned around and said to me “I was really worried that I wouldn’t understand your accent when I found out you were our trainer, but you actually sound Australian”. I laughed. Then another said “You look so young, we thought you were an assistant, just helping out”. I told them that it was interesting how these assumptions were made.

Who I Really Am

The same comments were made about me everywhere I went as a trainer. They were worried that I would have an accent that would be difficult to understand, or that I would not understand English, or that I was really too young to be training people who were older than me. However, after making trainees feel comfortable, they treated me as one of their own. They looked past their assumptions and realised that not all Asian looking individuals are the same. Some were born in Australia, some grew up in Australia. Some actually have accents that are not difficult to understand. They also realised that just because I was younger than them, it didn’t mean that I was not capable of doing my job. It would have been easy to feel intimidated and to be offended by all these assumptions but I chose to let it go. I found that if I got offended and let it get to me, people would not get a chance to get to know who I really am and their assumptions and perceptions would never change.

The Scary Cancer Scare - Part 2

Something to Look Forward To

I went to see the doctor. She explained to me again about the biopsy. I cried again. She wanted to know why I was so upset. I told her that the thought of a big needle going into my breast was overwhelming. I told her that I was dreading the result if it was bad news. She told me that she understood. But that I should stay positive, that it would pass soon enough and if it is cancer, it’s better that I know sooner than later. The day I made an appointment for the biopsy I also made plans to do something on the day of the biopsy. Since we had Gold Class Tickets, I told my husband that I will get my Mum to baby-sit our son so that we can both go and see Sex and The City – The Movie. I wanted to look forward to something that day; I didn’t want it to be the day I got the biopsy. My husband said it was a good idea.

The Dreaded Biopsy

My husband arrived shortly after I did at The Alfred that day. I asked him to come along and be there with me. I was soon called in and after getting changed, I was led into the same room where I had the first ultrasound. The doctor then came in. She explained that she will be taking 2-3 samples, depending on how satisfied she is with the amount. She then injected my breast in several places with the anaesthetic. After she was sure that it was numb, she showed me the needle that would be used for the biopsy. It was a long needle that looked like a tube with a sharp end and it was connected to a button. She explained that she will count to three before pressing the button so that I can be prepared for the loud click. I braced myself for the first shot at getting the sample. The doctor inserted the needle into my breast and moved it around while she was looking at the ultrasound so she could insert it into the lump. It was such a weird feeling, the pressure of the needle moving around chasing a moving lump. She counted and I squeezed my husband’s hand. However, when she pressed the button, the clicking was so loud; I jumped and gave everyone a fright. I apologised. She took the first sample out, then said she will take a second one just incase. So again, the needle was inserted and this time I didn’t jump when she pressed the button. I breathed a sigh of relief until she said that she wanted to try for the last time to get a better sample. Apparently the lump kept moving and it wasn’t that easy. So again, the needle was inserted but this time, when she pressed the trigger, I felt an excruciating pain. It was so painful, I started crying and she asked me whether I was ok. I told her that I felt extreme pain. She apologised and said that she didn’t put the anaesthetic that deep but didn’t have time to stop as she had a good chance of getting a better sample. I was upset but didn’t want to show it. I thought, at least it was over and done with and I can now leave.

Life is Too Short

Before we left for the movie, I told my Mum about the biopsy. No one, besides my husband, my pastor and his wife, knew about the lump. I showed my Mum where they did the biopsy. They had placed clear bandage over the area and it was still bleeding. I could see that my Mum was upset that I had to go through this. I told her not to worry as I didn’t know anything at this stage. I then left to see the movie.
The movie was what I needed to take my mind off things. My husband told me to order what I like in the cinema so I decided to indulge. Life is too short to hesitate.

Back to Square One

I had just arrived at the childcare centre to pick up my son, when my phone rang. It was Felicity, the doctor. She was calling about the biopsy results. I felt like I was holding my breath while I was listening to her.
“Jelvie, I’m sorry to tell you this, I know how upset you were about the biopsy and I was sure we would get a result”, she said
“Oh, you haven’t received the results yet?” I asked.
“They did send me the results; however they said that it is inconclusive. They weren’t able to tell from all three samples whether it is just a lump or if it contains cancer cells”, she replied.
I was speechless. “Does that mean I have to do the biopsy again? I mean, how many samples did they need, they took three samples and the last one was painful because they didn’t put the anaesthetic deep enough”, I said. I was not happy.
“I’m sorry to hear that but let’s just discuss this when you come and see me, but just remember at this stage, we don’t know what it is yet”, she responded, trying to sound positive.
I called my husband to tell him. He was not happy. He was frustrated for me. His exact words were “What the f*ck did they do the biopsy for? All that pain you had to go through, I can’t believe it was for nothing”. We don't make a habit of swearing so the fact that he did told me that he was upset. We were back at square one.

What Next?

I went back to see the doctor again. She asked me if I wanted to do the biopsy again. I asked her what my other options were. She told me that I can either get the lump taken out which would involve surgery or I could go and see a specialist to check the lump again. The only thing with the specialist is that it would cost me around $400 per visit including her fees and any ultrasounds I needed to have. I told her that I wanted to see the specialist; I wanted a second opinion before I decide whether I should remove the lump altogether. The doctor referred me to a Breast Cancer Clinic in East Melbourne. I made an appointment soon after that. Through all this time, I was functioning as normal however so many things played in my head. I worried constantly. Thinking about the whole situation would make me cry. My husband and parents supported me through it all. My pastor and his wife prayed for me. It was all of them and my son who carried me through it. I thought, I'm going through all this now, imagine what a mess I'd be if I actually find out I had cancer.

The Specialist

The Breast Cancer Clinic was a very nice place. I waited in the waiting room and made myself a coffee which was provided. As I waited, I saw women walking in and out of the elevator. Some were young and some were older. Some with their partners, family members and their kids and some were alone. I could see that some of them were wearing hair pieces. Some wore scarves on their heads. Some had sunglasses on but were wiping tears off their faces. Were they crying because their treatment was not working? Were they crying because they only have a certain amount of time left to live? Were they crying because it was just too much for them to take? Their support person was rubbing their back, trying to make them feel better. It was a very sad situation. I prayed silently that I wouldn’t have to go through what they were going through. I prayed for them too. My name was then called and I had an ultrasound. Then the specialist came in. She was British, the specialist, she had a lovely accent. She then measured the lump and called out to her assistant who was typing it all in her computer. She checked for other lumps and measured them too. Finally she discussed the ultrasound with me. She said it looks like it was just a lump. No signs of breast cancer. But she told me that she wanted me to come back for a review in 3 months so she can check it again to make sure. I was so relieved.

Thank God for My Thick and Wavy Hair

When I left the Breast Cancer Clinic, I remember walking down to the tram stop and thanking God for my hair. I’ve always wished for straight hair because my hair was thick and wavy. But seeing all those women in there with no hair or losing their hair, I realised that I should be happy with my hair. I should enjoy it and not take it for granted, just as I shouldn’t take everything else for granted because life is too short.

Never Take Life For Granted

I went back to see the specialist again a few times after my first appointment. My last review took place when I was a month pregnant with my second child. I wanted to make sure I had the all clear. I kept thinking about women with cancer who had to get treatment after their baby was born and they couldn't go home with their babies. The specialist told me that it was fine but I should see her if I felt any pain. I was relieved that it was just a lump but was aware that it did not mean cancer was off the table. I remember wishing that I had gone to see the specialist from the beginning. Maybe then I wouldn’t have required a biopsy. But all the experience I went through showed me that sometimes we just have to surrender and deal with situations that are not ideal but cannot be avoided. Even though I didn’t have cancer, I realised that people with cancer did not just have to deal with physical pain. They also have to deal with emotional pain that was so intense that if they didn’t have people to support them or something to look forward to in life; they would find it easy to give up. I am glad I have people around me who care for me and pray for me. And every time I get the chance, I would always tell my sons that I love them and shower them with hugs and kisses. This cancer scare was enough reason for me to appreciate the little things in life and to give thanks for all that I am blessed with.

The Scary Cancer Scare - Part 1

I’ve always felt sad for people with cancer. It was one of those illnesses that didn’t always have a happy ending. Something I would not wish on anyone. I weep for my children when they are not well with a cold, worry for my Mum when she wasn’t feeling well and wish my Dad would take care of his health a bit more than he is. Little did I know, but it seems I would be the one who would be going through a cancer scare. It was a time in my life when I learned to appreciate life and not take anything for granted.

The Discovery

I was in the shower, getting ready for work when I felt a sharp pain coming from my left breast. I then discovered that the pain came from a lump. I didn’t allow myself to get too worried about it because I knew that a lump does not always mean cancer, it could just be a lump. But, I thought it was a good idea to get it checked by a doctor. I made an appointment and went to see the doctor during my lunch break.

The Doctor

The doctor checked the lump and told me to get an ultrasound done at the Alfred Hospital, just to be on the safe side. She told me not to worry because sometimes it is just a lump but an ultrasound would be able to determine that. However, she also went through some information about lumps and breast cancers and also said that if the ultrasound cannot determine what the lump is, I may require a biopsy. I asked her what was involved in a biopsy and she told me that they would have to insert a thick needle with a button on it, into my breast, and take some tissue samples of the lump. The tissue samples would then be sent to a lab for testing and they will be able to find out whether it contains cancer cells or whether it is just a lump. However, she reassured me that in most cases, an ultrasound is all that is required. I told her that I was terrified of needles. She assured me that the biopsy needle would not hurt as they will give me some anaesthetic to ensure I would not feel any pain. I would just feel the pressure of the biopsy needle. I asked her whether they can just put me to sleep when they do it, but she said that is not required. I remember wishing it was a requirement.

The First Ultrasound

Luckily, the Alfred Hospital was only a short walking distance from the office so I made an appointment during my lunchbreak and took a stroll down St Kilda Road. The technician that performed the Ultrasound took measurements of the lump, some still shots and checked for other lumps. It was uncomfortable but I had already given birth to my oldest son and this is not as uncomfortable as childbirth. They told me that the results would be sent to my doctor who will give me a call to discuss what they’ve found. I prayed that it was just a lump and that this ultrasound would confirm that.

The Call

I will never forget the call I received that evening. I had just picked up my son from childcare and was making him dinner. My son was playing on the rug in front of the television; he had just started to talk and was at such an adorable age.
“Jelvie, this is Felicity, from the St Kilda Rd Clinic”, the doctor said, “I have the results from your ultrasound”.
I thought it was a bit late for the doctor to call, it was around 6pm, so she either had really good news or really bad new.
“Hi Felicity”, I replied, “Is it good news or bad news?”
“Well, the good news is, we don’t know whether it is cancer or not, but the bad news is, you will need to get a biopsy so we can be sure”, she replied.
“So, it’s not just a lump, it could still be cancer?” I replied, at this stage I was getting upset and my eyes were tearing but I turned my back to my son, I didn’t want him to see me upset.
“Look Jelvie, why don’t you come and see me tomorrow afternoon and we will have a chat about it”, the doctor said. She then told me that she had made an appointment for me to see her at 4pm.
All I could manage to say was “Ok, no worries, thank you”. Then I hung up.

The Worst Feeling

I turned around and looked at my son. He was playing and then he looked up and smiled at me. I tried smiling back but couldn’t control the tears so I cried while stirring his dinner. I was starting to think about all the things I would miss out on if I died of breast cancer. All the smiles I wouldn’t be able to see, all the kisses and hugs I would no longer receive, not being there for his first day at school, not seeing him through his teenage years…it was just heartbreaking. I thought about my son looking for me only to find that I was no longer there for him. That was the worst feeling. I called my husband. He told me to stay positive. He said at least the biopsy would determine what the lump is and we can just deal with it. I didn’t sleep that night. I thought, if it wasn’t cancer, they should already be able to tell.

To be continued...

Inter-racially Mixed

Choice

My father is Indonesian and my mother is East Timorese and Chinese. My husband’s father is Maltese and his mother is Australian (British heritage). So you can say that I have an inter-racial marriage. It was a choice I made when I was around 15 years old. I wanted something different; I wanted to understand a different culture and traditions. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the men of my own race however; I never saw them as someone I’d like to have a relationship with.

Assumptions

It is becoming very common to see more and more inter-racial couples in Melbourne. I remember it to be a rare occurrence growing up. I remember walking down Chapel Street with my cousin and we saw a gorgeous Asian woman walking with a Western man, who looked like he was around 30 years older than her, holding hands. We thought it was really unusual and made a joke that she was probably using him for something, it wasn’t very nice but unfortunately that is the regular assumption with inter-racial couples at the time with such an age gap. It might be true or they might really be in love. Nevertheless, it is something that goes through people’s minds. Little did I know, but when I married my husband, I would be a victim of such assumption too.

Not one of “those” couples

When I had just got married, a lady at work came and congratulated me then asked me what nationality my husband was, since I had changed my surname to Grech. I told her that he is Maltese/Australian. She then proceeded to ask me whether he was much older than me which I found a little inappropriate but told her that he was around 30 years older than me. She nodded as if she was expecting the answer then asked if I had a photo. So I showed her a photo of us and told her that I was joking and that my husband is only 4 years older than me. She looked surprised then asked where we met. Then I asked her why she asked whether my husband was much older than me. She told me that usually, when she sees inter-racial couples, there would be a big age gap. But she then winked and said “I guess you’re not one of those couples”. I did not ask for clarification, I didn’t think it was worth it.

Citizenship

My husband and I were having lunch with his best friend and his best friend’s girlfriend at the time. They were also an inter-racial couple. He was Russian and his girlfriend was Korean. We were discussing our plans to go overseas and my husband was saying how happy he was that I can now get my Australian passport and we can finally travel overseas. His best friend’s girlfriend suddenly asked “Did you get married so that you can get your citizenship and travel?” I was shocked that she would ask such a question and was relieved when my husband answered “No, we got married because we love each other and she would have got her citizenship even if we didn’t get married”. Let’s just say, that question made lunch a little awkward.

Compared to what?

My friend once asked me “What’s it like to be married to a Western man?”

“Compared to what?” I asked her.

“Compared to being married to an Asian man”, she answered.

“I don’t know. What’s it like being married to an Asian man? I haven’t married an Asian man before so it’s difficult to compare”, I replied.

My friend laughed. She was not the first person to ask me that question but I still feel like I cannot answer it. All I said was that Western men are still men nonetheless so there wouldn’t be much difference besides cultural differences.

3 colour ice

There is now a new generation of inter-racial couples in Australia. They are of similar age, both were born, educated and grew up here, and they are together by choice not because they are one of “those” couples who are together out of necessity.

My husband, his cousins, their partners, our son and I went out to lunch. We went to our favourite Vietnamese noodle restaurant. As they arranged some tables and chairs to accommodate us, I realised that all of the women are Asian and all the men (my husband and his cousins) are Australian and Maltese. My son sat at the head of table, he is a combination of both sides and he did not see colour or race, he was just enjoying his 3 colour ice surrounded by the people he calls his family.

When 2 Become 1 = 3

After 3 years of marriage, my husband and I decided that it was time we extended our family. No, we didn’t get a puppy; instead we decided to have a baby. As a couple, we felt we were emotionally and financially ready to take this next step into our relationship. I was also ready for a change career-wise and thought a year’s maternity leave would give me a chance to see what else is out there for me.

My only condition was that we got to go on a little round-the-world trip to the cities I’ve always wanted to visit. So off we went on a 5 week trip to New York, London, Paris, Madrid, Rome, Singapore, Jakarta, Surabaya and Yogyakarta. On the 2nd day after our return to Melbourne, I found out that I was pregnant. After a visit to the doctor, it was confirmed that I was 5 weeks pregnant (my friends joke that our oldest son was conceived in New York). Then it hit me, throughout our trip, I kept complaining of back pain, I slept through a boat ride in Singapore and by the time we got to Indonesia, I would just fall asleep during the day and didn’t know why. Then there was also the throwing up in Jakarta and I was always eating and wanting more food (although some would argue that I had a strong appetite even when I am not pregnant). I also remember having more arguments with my husband and thinking back, it must have been all the hormones and mood swings which makes it worse.

He's here!!!

The day finally arrived; I was at Frances Perry in Carlton and had just given birth to a baby boy. He was healthy, everything was alright and life as we know would never be the same because we had been given a precious gift to take care of and he would depend on us and we were responsible for him. After 5 days at the hospital, we took our baby home and placed him in his cot, in the nursery we had prepared for him as we waited for his arrival. The first few weeks were emotionally and physically challenging. We were both exhausted as our baby would wake up every 2-3 hours for a feed. My husband would get up to pick up the baby and bring him to me to feed and put him back in his cot. I remember by the third week, I was so tired that I questioned whether the baby knew just how tired we were (talk about high expectations). My husband brought me back down to earth and calmly reminded me that our baby was depending on me to feed him and this phase would pass and it will get better. He was right though, everything got easier and we soon got back into 6-7 hours of sleep. We watched our baby grow and develop into a toddler and a little boy who is turning 4 in June.

Baby, you’ve changed my world…

My husband tells everyone that it’s true what people say. The very first time you hold your baby in your arms, you realise that life will never be the same.
So to give you a few examples, I have listed the following changes you may experience once your bundle of joy enters the world:

Weekends

Before baby
After a long week at work, my husband and I would always spend our weekend going to dinner at a new or favourite restaurant, watch a new film at the cinemas (we walked in once and realised we had seen all the movies that were showing), visiting friends/family, having friends/family over, throwing parties, sleeping in, watching DVDs all day or just going out spontaneously.

After baby
Catch up on sleep where possible, catch up on housework, rent a DVD and sometimes would actually get to watch the whole film without pausing, visit family or have them come over so that they can hold the baby and you are free to take a nap or catch up on housework. Waking up early because no matter what time the baby goes to sleep, he will wake up at the same time every morning. There was no going out spontaneously, everything was planned. Then, just to ensure all your plans go out the window, the moment you think you're ready to go, the baby would need a nappy change or he would vomit on his clothes or on your clothes or both.

Dining out

Before baby
Anywhere, anytime. Morning, noon and night.

After baby
Is the restaurant family friendly? Can we fit the pram next to our table? Is there a baby room incase we need to change his nappy? What if I need to feed him, will people be uncomfortable?

Going out

Before baby
Got my handbag…let’s go!!!

After baby
Baby bag (which contains nappies, wipes, change-mat, spare clothes, feeding cover), bottle bag, pram, blanket, toys…oh and last but not least, my handbag.

The silver lining

Even though the above examples may seem overwhelming and may put a negative spin on having a baby, don’t be discouraged because things do get better. It gets much easier as your baby gets older. Don’t forget all the benefits you get back from them, their smile, their breathtaking hugs, their kisses and cuddles and their unconditional love. You will never know the feeling until you can feel them for yourself. And once you have felt it, you will never be the same and you will never want to be without it. That is why they say having a baby is a life-changing experience. My son asked me “Mummy, are you ok?” I answered, “No, my back is sore”. To which he replied “Well…let me give you a cuddle, so that you will feel better”.
Sure, the soreness did not go away but no painkiller can ever compete with that cuddle.

Too young for marriage...

Isn't it time you got married...?

My husband and I were listening to Jack deliver the church announcements about 3 years ago. After welcoming first time visitors and mentioning the church roster, he proceeded to tell us about a seminar regarding couples taking the next step to marriage. He then started looking around the room and began to invite unmarried couples to attend the seminar. He then looked in our direction and said "Jelvie, Steve, isn't it time you got married...?"
Of course, most of the congregation laughed and my friends shouted "They're married!"

Do you have any children...?

Despite all the negativity surrounding people who get married young, I am happy with my decision. I was 21 when I married my husband and he was 25 which I believe is pretty young for a guy but we went through with it. It's not all perfect but no marriage is, it takes a lot of work, commitment and dedication but the rewards are worth it.
One of the common questions I get from people when I introduced Stephen as my husband when we were newlyweds, is "Do you have any children?"
A lady asked me this question because she thought we got married due to an unplanned pregnancy and was shocked when I told her that we didn't have any children yet. Even if we did have a child, it's never a nice thing to assume that it is a loveless marriage due to circumstance. Many people I know did marry earlier than planned because they were expecting a child but they are also very much in love.


But you haven't experienced enough...

I never planned on getting married at 21. I didn't want to go out with the boys in highschool and I never really spent much time looking for a boyfriend. Especially since Dad had the rule "No boyfriends until you give me your certificate for a Bachelor's degree". So my teenage years were spent studying, being with my family, going to parties and going straight home. I never felt like I was missing out. Plus, I've always wanted to have one boyfriend who I would eventually marry.
I met my husband through friends, they met him and introduced him to me. We were friends for about a year before our relationship was established. He had previous girlfriends and I wanted to make sure his intentions were right before I went any further. So about 2 months into our relationship we discussed the issue of marriage. He made it clear he wanted to marry me and we got engaged that same year and got married after I had graduated with my Bachelor's degree.
Some people I know asked why I rushed getting married, why not see if someone better comes along...
Or they say, but you haven't seen the world...
What about your career...

Why rush it...In my opinion, sometimes you just know if a person is right for you and if you keep thinking that someone better might come along then you'd spend all your life waiting even though the right person is right there in front of you. I had a list of qualities I wanted in a husband. How did I know what I wanted when I was 21? Does it really matter? There are women who are 41 who still don't know what they want. How many men should I go through before I can safely say, "Yes, he is the one!"

You haven't seen the world...Sure, at 21 I haven't seen the world, but at 24, my husband and I traveled on a little around-the-world trip and I got to see the world together with him.

What about your career...? My career is still going, it's great to have someone who is supportive, is as ambitious and has the same work ethics as me. Marriage doesn't always mean you no longer have a right to a career...it's your choice...there was no such ultimatum for me.

So, marriage at 21 is not that bad! I am 28 now and have 2 children, a family home with a little mortgage and a supportive husband who sometimes gets on my nerves but all in all, I don't regret it one bit.

There are no guarantees in life and a lot of marriages fail whether people chose to get married when they were younger or older. Don't worry, I am not as naive as I may sound. However, all you can do is make a choice for yourself, learn from your mistakes and give it your best.

What do you think? Is there a perfect age for marriage? Do you have a list of things you'd like to accomplish before you get married? Or if you are married, what would you have done differently?