Savouring the Flavours of My Memory

Sitting around the dining table at my eldest uncle’s house on New Year’s day, I started thinking about how much I love the food that is served only for that day. There is the fried meatballs, deep fried pork in batter, shortbread filled with caramelised pineapple and of course the chilli to eat alongside the savouries. My favourite thing to do is split the fried meatballs in half, fill the middle with chilli and put them back together again to make a chilli meatball sandwich.

My cousin and mum started talking about the time my cousin and her family lived in Indonesia and how the landlord used to sell stir fried vermicelli with vegies served on 2 square pieces of banana leaves held together by a toothpick. On top of the vermicelli would be chilli with peanuts and they all went perfectly together. The aroma from the banana leaves combined with vermicelli and peanut chilli still comes to mind today. It was a dish they also sold at my primary school for 100 rupiah and it was delicious.

I find it interesting how some food can really touch parts of our memory and most of the time, it is not about the flavours but about the event in which you were either introduced to the food or an instance when you had that particular food which will always come back to you. The simple chicken congee reminds me of the time I was in primary school and it was recess. I would go to the locked front gate and the congee vendor would be out there amongst other vendors. His trolley full of freshly cooked congee with sliced chicken, peanuts, finely sliced Chinese donuts, prawn crackers, soy sauce, fish sauce and sambal. There was a hole on the gate where they would be place the chain to lock it. The hole was big enough for me to slide my small, 7 year old hand, to pass through 100 rupiah to the vendor. He would then pass me a bowl of congee with the works over the fence. I would eat it, savouring every flavour, feeling all the texture in my mouth. The crunch of the crackers and peanuts, the chewiness of the Chinese donuts and chicken, the saltiness of the sauces, the smooth, warm, soft rice combined with the heat of the sambal is what I still taste today when I eat homemade congee. Although I would be eating it in my dining room, I can still close my eyes and see myself sitting on the other side of the main school gate, with my red and white school uniform, holding on to the bowl as the sun laughed at the irony of me eating such a hot dish in the midst of all the heat. After my quick and inexpensive meal, I would call out to the vendor and pass the bowl and spoon over the fence. I don’t remember his face or what he looked like. But he is and will always be a part of my memory whenever I eat congee.

The rambutan is no longer a strange fruit to Australia. Although it is imported and not as cheap as the lychees or longans, it is known to more people than before. I remember walking home from primary school, past the market and one of the fruit vendors who knew my family called out to me. He gave me a bunch of rambutans and told me to take it home and share it with my brother. I told him that I did not have any money but he insisted I take the bunch for free. I remember feeling so bad. Here he was selling fruit to support his family. That bunch would have been worth something and he was giving it to me for nothing. After his persistence, I received the bunch with appreciation and took it home to share with my little brother. I will never forget that man’s kindness. I don’t think I have ever bought fresh rambutan here. But every time I see it, I am taken back to the busy marketplace. I am reminded of the kindness shown to me. I am reminded that there are people who don’t have much yet are still willing to give what they can to those in need.

Tofu and tempeh are so common now, you can find them in supermarkets and although it is food enjoyed mostly by vegetarians or vegans, to me they were the best snacks ever. I remember going on the bus with my grandmother to visit relatives or to run an errand, there would be vendors in the isles selling everything from cigarettes to homemade snacks alongside buskers singing the latest tunes for pocket change. Grandmother would wait for us to sit down then she would beckon one of the vendors to purchase a snack for me. It was a small plastic bag containing bars of deep fried tofu. They came with 3 pieces of fresh chillies. The bags would be tightly shut by folding it and running it through a burning candle. I would open and take a bite of tofu and a bite of chilli. My mouth would be burning but my heart was satisfied. Whenever I had 50 rupiah left over from my daily allowance, I would walk past the tempeh vendor and but a piece of tempeh. They sliced it very thin in a rectangular shape and coated it with batter and deep fried it. It was crispy on the outside and slightly meaty in the centre. With just enough salt, garlic and coriander in the batter, it was a tasty protein snack that was cheap and easy to find. There were times when I would be so hungry but I would always wrap it up in the brown paper bag it came in and held onto it until I got home. I would serve it on a plate with some steamed rice and sambal. I would sprinkle salt over the rice and make the same for my little brother with the sambal. I would split the tempeh in half so we had a piece each and it was such a simple but tasty meal. That piece of tempeh would last me through two plates of rice. I would break a small piece off, mix it with a little bit of rice and dip it into the sambal. The flavours of the tempeh, combined with the warm salty rice and heat of the sambal was unbeatable. I still have the same dish today. All the different parts became whole in my memory.

More food memories to come…feel free to share some of your memories...

Our Citizenship Interview

After the relief of finally obtaining our long-awaited permanent residency status in Australia, we had 2 years to prepare for our Citizenship interview. Back then there were no exams however we had to be interviewed to show that we have assimilated into the Australian society and prepared to make a commitment to serve our country through voting, jury duty etc.

At that time, it was only my mother, my brother and I taking the step to become citizens of this great country. Although I was nervous, I knew that my mother and brother were a little anxious about being interviewed fearing that they will get too nervous and not being able to answer the questions properly. My mother was worried that if we did not do well, we would not be able to get our citizenship.

In order to prepare them and myself, I put together a folder for each of us containing important points and sample questions and answers. The Department of Immigration provided enough information so that we can be prepared. However, I reminded both my mother and my brother to take their time and ask for the question to be repeated if they are unclear or unsure. Having an interpreter defeats the purpose of showing that we are able to communicate fluently in English so obviously that was not an option for my mother. Fortunately, she had been working for a long time at that stage and was able to speak English at an adequate level.

We would regularly revise the contents of that folder and took it with us when the day of our interview finally arrived. I prayed that I would go first so then I could tell my mother and my brother what to expect. We nervously sat in the waiting area at the Department of Immigration and my prayer was answered when they called my name first. I told my mother and brother that they may be called whilst I am still in my interview but re-assured them that they have had plenty of time to prepare and that they will be fine. Most of all I told them to pray for God’s wisdom and guidance whilst they wait.

The interview area was basically a room with teller style booths and I was seated across from a female interviewer. We greeted each other and after our introductions she asked me about my background, where I was from. As I was telling her that I was born in East Timor, my eyes caught a book on her desk and it had a title with the words East Timor on it. So I asked her whether it was her book and why she was reading it. We spent most of my interview talking about the book and her interest in the conflict between East Timor and Indonesia. She found it interesting that I was a child of an East Timorese and Indonesian couple and wanted to hear my story. We spent 95% of my interview discussing life in general and 5% briefly going through the citizenship requirements. She then asked me if I was here alone and I mentioned to her that my mother and brother are also here for their interview and that they were very nervous.  

My interviewer told me to wait as she called over her colleague who was assigned to interview my mother. He came over and said to me “I am interviewing your mother and I hear that she is very nervous?” I told him that she is and my brother is also nervous. He told me that I was to go and get them and he will do their interview together and it will be very quick and they need not worry.

I called my mother and brother into the interview area and sat them down in front of their interviewer. I told them not to be nervous and they were relieved that I was permitted to sit with them during their interview. They introduced themselves and the man interviewing them confirmed a few details. Then he said he will just go through some points regarding their citizenship and that will be all. My mother asked if she was able to refer to her folder if she was unsure. The man interviewing them and the lady asked me why we were all holding a folder and I told them that it was a folder full of points and interview questions and answers I put together so that we can prepare for today. Both the lady and the man looked at us and said that they were amazed and had not seen such commitment and preparation. They were impressed. I then told them and we are very committed into obtaining our citizenship and wanted to ensure that we were able to get through this interview as best we can. On that note the man said he was satisfied that my mother and my brother have fulfilled all the requirements and all three of us were granted our citizenship. My mother and brother were relieved. When we exited the interview room, my mother and brother asked me what happened during my interview and why things turned out better than they had imagined. I reminded them how much we prepared but most of all how much we prayed and how we knew that God would be there with us and we can only surrender to him.

It may seem like nothing to a lot of people however I often wonder how the interviews would have gone if the lady wasn’t reading that book or if I didn’t prepare those folders or if my mother and my brother had to do the interviews separately or if the interviewers weren’t so understanding.

I believe that God places situations before us where His blessing seem to come out of nowhere yet it is what we need at the right time and all we have to do is surrender, have faith, do our best and let God do the rest. He’s got your back. God bless you all.

A few words about words

Stupid. Weak. Useless. They are just words.

Clever. Strong. Useful. Also just words.

However, when said in reference to someone, they transform from just words to descriptions. They become labels. They have meaning.

The people they are used to describe can choose to take these labels and some use them to define who they are or who they will become.

I have been labelled since I was in my mother’s womb. From that moment on I have heard myself described in both positive and negative lights. Did these labels have an impact in my life? To what extent? As a child, I did not have any power over my circumstances. I enjoyed wonderful times when we had a pleasant and secure lifestyle. I have also endured times when we had nothing but just enough to survive. My label went from lucky to unlucky. I did great at school so I was also labelled smart. But then I grew up and lived in a place where smart was not as good as knowing how to cook, clean or sew so due to my lack of interest, I was labelled useless, lazy and a ‘princess’ (insert sarcastic tone). Every day I would hear this. Until today, it is a description some people would use to define me.

But I refuse to allow myself to see me that way. I know that I have more to offer. I know that I can be more. It is not for others that I decided to work hard to define who I am. It is to tell myself that only I can define who I am. But what about those who feel that they are stuck? They feel that the glue on their labels is so strong that they are impossible to remove. It is sad when I look at these people and their potential. What do they want from life? Did they know they have a choice? Do they know they have the right, the power and the responsibility to themselves to live the life they want?

Maybe they don’t think they can or they have the right to because all their life they have been told what to do or what they can do.

“You can’t learn anything!”

“You are too ugly!”

“You are too dumb to decide for yourself!”

“You will get it wrong!”

“You won’t survive!”

“You will fail!”

“Just be happy with where you are.”

“You are lucky to have gotten this far.”

“Don’t set your sights too high.”

“Who is going to employ you?”

“Who is going to marry you now?”

“Who would love you?”

Words. They matter. They should be spoken with caution. They should be spoken with clear understanding that they will be heard. They stir up feelings, emotions and our memory makes us remember them, sometimes even if we wish we had never heard them in the first place.

Never assume that a person will take what you say a certain way. That person carries they history, individual assumptions and emotion. They will react in their own personal way as they understand what has been said to them. This is something you cannot control. All you can control is what you say. So choose your words wisely and deliver them carefully.

It all comes back to love

Earlier tonight, as my husband and I were preparing dinner, our sons were playing drums on the tiled floor. They were both playing nicely until we hear our youngest, louder son, screaming at our oldest son. A few seconds after that, our oldest son cried out saying that his little brother had hit him on the face three times with the drum stick. I went to check on him and then looked at my youngest son. Even at 16 months, he knew he had done his brother wrong because he kept looking down and started whinging as I told him that he has not been very nice by hitting his brother.

Of course, as usual, half an hour later, they were both giggling and hugging each other once again. All was forgotten and they were both each other’s best friends. As I listened to them having fun, I said a little prayer. I prayed that as my sons grow up, despite their disagreements, I hope they will still remember their love for each other and our love for them. I hope they will not let their ego, pride, differences or whatever happens in their life to come between them even when we are no longer with them.

It is difficult for families who are close to each other to understand or comprehend that there are families out there where brothers and sisters or parents and children don’t get along. Some will say that it is just impossible because of different personalities, some have had things happen that cannot be forgiven and some are just so full of pride that none of them want to make the first step towards reconciliation. It results in huge arguments, uncomfortable family gatherings or worst of all, in my opinion; it results in families never getting together at all. As a parent it would deeply sadden me to know that my children were so angry at each other that they could not be in the same room. That they would not seek each other out or their children would not be able to see each other because I value my extended family. My cousins, my aunties, my uncles and my grandparents, when they were still alive, are a big part of my life.

A former work colleague of mine was very excited to go to her parents’ house for her birthday dinner. She was telling me about the food they would eat and how it would be nice to catch up with her mum and dad. I knew she has a sister so I asked her if her sister would be joining in on the birthday celebration. Her reply surprised me “No way – I’m not going to let her ruin my birthday, she is definitely not going to be there, I told her not to come!” When I asked her why she did not want her sister there, she told me that they have never been close. They didn’t have anything in common and her sister spent her life making my colleague’s life miserable. I could not comprehend her answer. Surely when you were both little girls you’d play together and have pretend tea parties with your dolls. “No!” she said, “we were never close…”
It saddens me to think that a gap between two sisters can grow so big that even when they were both adults, they couldn’t see past their differences to come together for a family get-together. Where is the parents’ involvement in all this? Did they not see this issue in their daughters’ relationship?

Another friend of mine believes that once people get married, they let their partners dictate whether they should or should not see their family. She said that her brother doesn’t come and visit her as much as before because his wife doesn’t like to come to her house and doesn’t want him to visit his sister on his own. My friend’s father said he doesn’t see his siblings because their partners only want to spend time with their side of the family and doesn’t have time for his. I believe that marriage is something that should enrich your life further, especially in terms of spending time with family and nurturing existing relationships. People should not allow their partners to determine who they are allowed to see and who they spend time with. Relatives also should not assume that it is the partners who are to blame. If you are old enough to get married, you should be old enough to make your own decisions. I would be a very unhappy person if my husband was to tell me that I am not to see my family. It would be something that is unacceptable to me. Then again, I would not marry someone who would place such restrictions on me.

At the end of the day, I believe that our relationship with our family has to be valued from a very young age. It is something that parents should pay close attention to, they should lead by example and they should set expectations. Another work colleague of mine has invited his three adult children for dinner at his new house. He doesn’t see them much and wanted to catch up. When I asked him what he was going to make for dinner he said “Something cheap, not the usual food I’d have with my current wife, otherwise they will keep coming back for more!” I don’t know what expectations he had for his relationship with his children but from that answer I am guessing that he doesn’t mind only seeing them on rare occasions. I am glad that my parents always try to give us the best they can give. I see my parents, my brother and his girlfriend most weekends and we are only a phone call away but I cherish every moment and look forward to the next time we get together as a family.

Internal Distractions

Distraction – something that draws your attention away…

My 4 year old son enjoys watching The Simpsons. The only problem; it is usually on when he is eating his dinner. He would sit there with a spoonful of food between the plate and his mouth and his eyes would be fixated on the television. So, I’d tell him “you better eat otherwise I will turn the TV off”. To which he replied, “But if I eat, I will miss out, so just turn it off and I will watch it when I finish eating”. The Simpsons was a distraction and my son decided to eliminate it while he completed his goal – eating his dinner. Distractions are everywhere. It could be a workmate trying to have a conversation with you while you are trying to finish that report. A handsome guy or a beautiful girl walking down the street while you’re driving or the telephone, ringing, while you are in a meeting. However, those distractions can easily be ignored or turned off. You can tell your workmate that you will catch up with them at another time. You can ignore the guy or girl and keep driving safely and you can put your phone on silent. But there are other distractions that are not so easily turned off. These distractions occur internally.

“You’re not smart enough”. “You’re too weak”. “If only your brain wasn’t as hard as a rock”. “Pity you’re not prettier”. “Don’t apply for that job; you should stick to something more at your level”. “You’ve tried and you’ve failed, let’s not go through that again”. We all have that voice that tells us not to do something because we are not good enough or because we have tried and failed. It could be the voice of our parents, friends, teachers or it could even be our own that distracts us from achieving our goal. These voices are not easy to ignore or turn off. Some people live their whole lives listening to these voices. They start believing in them and stop fulfilling their dreams, shelve their ambitions and surrender to the fact that they were never good enough and should be satisfied with their current situation. But some refuse to give in to this distraction. They refuse to listen to these voices and decide to keep striving for success to prove the voices wrong. In many cases, they manage to turn the voices from distraction to the motivation that encourages them to fulfil their dreams.

There are people who are not prepared to put in the hard work required to achieve their goals. They believe that they should not waste time with starting at the bottom and working their way up. They feel over-qualified for that and think they deserve to start at the top. These people are so distracted by their arrogance that they miss out on opportunities to work on reaching their goal. There was a guy I knew who was looking for a job after he completed his degree at university. He kept complaining that there was nothing out there. He had applied for so many roles but was unsuccessful. They told him that he was under-qualified which baffled him since he had a bachelor’s degree and they told him that he was an unfavourable candidate due to his lack of experience. Instead, they offered him some entry-level positions which he declined. We asked him what kind of jobs he had applied for and he showed us the advertisements. The positions he had applied for had titles like “Managing Director” or “Senior Manager”. We explained to him that although his qualification may be enough, he did not have the experience to back up his application. He then asked me and my husband, how we got our jobs. We told him that we started at the entry-level and even to get that we were asked whether we had worked previously in any type of employment. My husband worked at a petrol station and I had worked delivering newspaper, served at McDonald’s and Nando’s and other administration roles. We then got promotions along the way but always worked hard to prove our abilities. He then told us there was no way he would do that. He’s not going to do those types of jobs now that he had a degree. He studied too hard to be just an entry-level employee. However, after so many rejections and no job offers besides those for an entry-level position, he decided to put aside his arrogance and accepted that he had to start somewhere.

To me, there is nothing worse than being in competition with others when it comes to life in general. I don’t understand why people compare their jobs, their wealth, their car, their TVs or their clothing to others. People get so distracted by what others have that they waste so much time, energy and resources, or borrowed resources, to keep up. They don’t realise that it will never end. There will always be someone with something better than yours. It is much better to feel content and satisfied that you have achieved your goal than trying to keep up with someone else’s. So don’t be distracted by what others have. Be in competition with yourself. Focus on what you need and what you want.

Internal distractions cannot be controlled physically. You cannot turn your back on them, turn them off with a remote control or close the door on them. They play on your emotions and can be very successful in drawing your attention away from what you wish to achieve. However, in some cases, they can motivate you to keep going. So take advantage of them and use them to achieve your goal.

The Woman with the Married Man

I was in a conference at work when a workmate, who was married with a newborn daughter, decided it was appropriate to place his hand on my lap. Of course, I lifted up his hand off my lap and gave it back to him. He must have got a glance of my engagement ring because he said “Oh, sorry, I didn’t know you were engaged”. To which I replied “It would not have made any difference. I am not that kind of girl. How is your wife and baby girl by the way?” I thought I’d ask him just incase he thought I didn’t know he was married despite the fact that we had discussed the difficulties his wife had during labour. This got me thinking…why do married men think they can get away with hitting on other women? Is it because there are women who will let them get away with it? What kind of women are they? Why do they do it?

There are women who go for married men because they think “here is someone who is not afraid of commitment…maybe one day he will leave his wife and make a commitment to me”. Sure, he can make a commitment. The problem is; can he actually stick to that commitment long term? Anyone can get married but not everyone can stay committed to the marriage. And keep in mind, if he is cheating on his wife, what will stop him from cheating on his future wives? If you have an affair with a married man who then leaves his wife to be with you, will you be able to trust him knowing that you are with him as a result of an affair?

He is a ‘fixer-upper’. The poor guy had to get married because she fell pregnant with his baby. His marriage was arranged, he doesn’t love her. She doesn’t listen to him. She doesn’t give him enough attention. They are always fighting. They are not talking. They don’t even sleep in the same bed. He cannot deal with it all. Life is so complicated. He needs me. He tells me that he can’t live without me. I am the only one who understands. I am the only one who makes him feel appreciated. I can fix him. I will make him better. I will make him a better man. I am the one who loves him. Some women believe it is their calling to ‘fix’ married men. They know that he is married but they believe him when he tells them that he is not happy. That she is the only one who can make him happy, who can make him endure his marriage. She doesn’t mind that he only sees her to tell her about all his problems. That way, she feels needed, she feels like she has a purpose.

These days, we know that there are a lot of men out there who does not want to make a commitment. But there are also women who do not want to make a commitment. They may prefer to focus more on their career, have been in a serious relationship that didn’t work out or prefer not to be in a serious relationship. So they go for married men because those men are not likely to want a serious relationship either. They will just get together and they can leave without feeling accountable to each other. There are no commitments made, no emotional attachments and she is free to walk away whenever she wants – no strings attached.

A sense of entitlement can sometimes convince a woman that she deserves to be with a man even though he is married. If his wife chooses to take him for granted then she should not be surprised that he would go and find someone who will appreciate him. Besides, why would he stray if she was taking such good care of him? A good wife should be able to keep her husband. It is the wife’s fault that he has chosen to have an affair.
Some women are blinded by expensive gifts, luxurious getaways and all the romance money can buy that they don’t care if he is married. There are a lot of things people are willing to do for money so the term ‘gold-digger’ is nothing new.

I told the guy who was hitting on me that I am not that kind of girl. I have too much self respect to ever feel that it is ok to be with a married man. What kind of man would cheat on his wife? What kind of man thinks that I would be easily tempted? What level of respect did he have for me since he thought it was ok to put his hand on my lap? He was clearly embarrassed when I spoke up and showed my disapproval. Needless to say he never made another attempt on me. However, I am sure if a woman was willing, he would not think twice about having an affair.

What is Your Deal-Breaker?

We live in a time when divorce is no longer something that is unheard of. In the old days, people stay married to ensure approval from society, to keep the family together, and in many cases to ensure financial security. Men wanted to ensure that he was seen as the head of the family who was capable of keeping everyone in line and women did not have the ability to support themselves or any of their children if they were to leave their husbands who would be the sole bread winner. But times have changed and couples opt for divorce with infidelity, financial problems and emotional, psychological and physical abuse as some of the top reasons for divorce.

In saying that, there are many couples out there who remain married despite the presence of all the above reasons. Husbands put up with wives who cheat, wives accepts that their husband has a gambling problem and there are those who live with abuse every single day but they either don’t have the courage to walk out or are in denial about their partner's love or lack of love for that matter.

A woman I knew walked in to the supermarket one day and we said hello to each other and started talking about what has been happening in our lives. The next day, I spoke to a friend of mine who also knew that woman. I told my friend that I was so impressed by how that woman is taking care of herself. Her hair looked like she had just come from the salon, her nails were perfectly manicured and she looked like she had been going to the gym to lose some weight. I remember saying “Marriage must be good for her” since she had just married someone who I also knew and both had come out of a divorce. But my friend said something that totally surprised me. She told me that the woman’s husband, who was a high-level manager that travelled a lot, had a “woman in every port”. Apparently everyone knew about it, including his wife. “And she is ok with that?” I asked my friend. “Well, I think she accepts it because her first marriage was horrible, her husband used to beat her, had a gambling problem and she and her kids were nearly out on the street”, she answered, “but this guy she just married treats her differently, he never lays a finger on her, he bought her a beautiful house, pays for her children to go to private schools, she gets her hair and nails done every week, has massages and anything she likes”. I guess to that woman, her husband’s infidelity is not so much of a deal-breaker as her first husband’s abuse and inability to provide for her financially.

Another woman I know is with a man who did not contribute financially in their marriage. Before they were married, she had her own apartment in the wealthy side of Melbourne and he had a small unit in the outer suburbs. She was happy for them to live in her apartment however he wanted a house with a pool, a big backyard and lot of room located close to the city. So she decided to rent out her apartment and they both bought a house together. He took a job in another state because it paid well and she has always been independent and didn’t mind being apart, seeing her husband every other weekend. But she soon realised that only her income was going into their joint account. His pay did not. Whenever she asked him for money to pay the bills and the mortgage, he would tell her that he didn’t get paid or he had bought necessities. This would go on for months and she soon realised that she was the one paying for everything and he had not contributed at all. It wasn’t until something showed up in their credit card bill that she realised the necessities he was referring to. He had been lying to her all this time about not being paid. He was getting paid regularly but had also regularly used the money to pay for escorts while he was away. She told me that she could cope with the financial issues however knowing that he had been unfaithful to her all this time was something that she could not put up with since her first husband had cheated on her too.

A lot of people in abusive relationships get judged for staying in that relationship. Those looking from the outside wonder why those being abused stick around. Why don’t they just leave? Why do they put up with it? Some choose to stay because they are afraid to leave. Some choose to stay because they think being emotionally abused is not as bad as being physically abused. Some believe that it is their fault that they are being abused. Some believe that their marriage is perfect and the abuse is just a small part that they have to cope with. They don’t want to leave, because leaving means saying goodbye to the beautiful home, a great circle of friends, financial security, their social comfort zone or worse, it may mean giving up their children. While for some people, abuse is a deal-breaker, to others it is worth putting up with the pain rather than deal with the consequences.

What is a deal-breaker for you? Do you believe that a marriage should be able to overcome anything? Or is it all about making a sacrifice to gain something else in return?