What is Your Deal-Breaker?

We live in a time when divorce is no longer something that is unheard of. In the old days, people stay married to ensure approval from society, to keep the family together, and in many cases to ensure financial security. Men wanted to ensure that he was seen as the head of the family who was capable of keeping everyone in line and women did not have the ability to support themselves or any of their children if they were to leave their husbands who would be the sole bread winner. But times have changed and couples opt for divorce with infidelity, financial problems and emotional, psychological and physical abuse as some of the top reasons for divorce.

In saying that, there are many couples out there who remain married despite the presence of all the above reasons. Husbands put up with wives who cheat, wives accepts that their husband has a gambling problem and there are those who live with abuse every single day but they either don’t have the courage to walk out or are in denial about their partner's love or lack of love for that matter.

A woman I knew walked in to the supermarket one day and we said hello to each other and started talking about what has been happening in our lives. The next day, I spoke to a friend of mine who also knew that woman. I told my friend that I was so impressed by how that woman is taking care of herself. Her hair looked like she had just come from the salon, her nails were perfectly manicured and she looked like she had been going to the gym to lose some weight. I remember saying “Marriage must be good for her” since she had just married someone who I also knew and both had come out of a divorce. But my friend said something that totally surprised me. She told me that the woman’s husband, who was a high-level manager that travelled a lot, had a “woman in every port”. Apparently everyone knew about it, including his wife. “And she is ok with that?” I asked my friend. “Well, I think she accepts it because her first marriage was horrible, her husband used to beat her, had a gambling problem and she and her kids were nearly out on the street”, she answered, “but this guy she just married treats her differently, he never lays a finger on her, he bought her a beautiful house, pays for her children to go to private schools, she gets her hair and nails done every week, has massages and anything she likes”. I guess to that woman, her husband’s infidelity is not so much of a deal-breaker as her first husband’s abuse and inability to provide for her financially.

Another woman I know is with a man who did not contribute financially in their marriage. Before they were married, she had her own apartment in the wealthy side of Melbourne and he had a small unit in the outer suburbs. She was happy for them to live in her apartment however he wanted a house with a pool, a big backyard and lot of room located close to the city. So she decided to rent out her apartment and they both bought a house together. He took a job in another state because it paid well and she has always been independent and didn’t mind being apart, seeing her husband every other weekend. But she soon realised that only her income was going into their joint account. His pay did not. Whenever she asked him for money to pay the bills and the mortgage, he would tell her that he didn’t get paid or he had bought necessities. This would go on for months and she soon realised that she was the one paying for everything and he had not contributed at all. It wasn’t until something showed up in their credit card bill that she realised the necessities he was referring to. He had been lying to her all this time about not being paid. He was getting paid regularly but had also regularly used the money to pay for escorts while he was away. She told me that she could cope with the financial issues however knowing that he had been unfaithful to her all this time was something that she could not put up with since her first husband had cheated on her too.

A lot of people in abusive relationships get judged for staying in that relationship. Those looking from the outside wonder why those being abused stick around. Why don’t they just leave? Why do they put up with it? Some choose to stay because they are afraid to leave. Some choose to stay because they think being emotionally abused is not as bad as being physically abused. Some believe that it is their fault that they are being abused. Some believe that their marriage is perfect and the abuse is just a small part that they have to cope with. They don’t want to leave, because leaving means saying goodbye to the beautiful home, a great circle of friends, financial security, their social comfort zone or worse, it may mean giving up their children. While for some people, abuse is a deal-breaker, to others it is worth putting up with the pain rather than deal with the consequences.

What is a deal-breaker for you? Do you believe that a marriage should be able to overcome anything? Or is it all about making a sacrifice to gain something else in return?