Comparing Apples and Oranges

Growing up with a mum who had a large family I felt like I was constantly compared to my female cousins. They could cook, help their mums clean, sew and are the perfect daughters while I preferred to spend my time reading my novels, singing, playing my guitar and studying. My mum always tried to get me in the kitchen and cook with her, hoping I would pick up the simplest dishes only to find that I was disinterested or just didn’t perform the task to her satisfaction. To put it simply, I was just not a traditional daughter like my cousins and as years went by, it seems trying to mould me that way would be impossible. My dad would be my saviour, when he heard my mum start to get frustrated that I wasn’t ‘getting it’, he would come in the kitchen and tell her that she should not stress out. He told her that I will learn to cook eventually, when I needed to. Then he would tell me to go back to my room and study.

Good Enough For Me

During the first years of my marriage, I found myself struggling to cook a meal that I was satisfied with, and my husband had to show me how to iron a shirt. But my dad was right. I slowly learnt how to cook, and as I completed more household chores it was more about ‘practice makes perfect’. Sure, I still can’t cook some of the traditional meals that my mum makes however I learnt to cook different meals. Meals that my husband would compliment me on and that’s good enough for me.

Compared To Me

A few years ago, I caught up with one of my cousins. I consider her to be a fantastic wife and mum. Her cooking is delicious and she was like the Martha Stewart of the family. Needless to say, she was one of the cousins I was constantly compared to. We were discussing our time growing up and she brought up the fact that her parents would sometimes compare her to me. I was surprised. What was it that I did that she couldn’t already do? What was it that I had achieved that she hadn’t? She told me that they would compare my academic abilities to hers. I was in shock. Then I told her that I was also constantly compared to her, but for my lack of abilities in the kitchen and around the house. We laughed. Clearly there were no hard feelings. But I could see that she was as hurt by it all as I was.

Motivation by Comparison

Looking back, I think our parents thought by comparing us; they were really trying to motivate us to be better. However, it was a form of motivation that did not leave room for flexibility. It didn’t allow us to excel in the areas we were passionate about. It didn’t allow us to be ourselves.
For many years, those comparisons would often discourage me. But I didn’t let it get me down. I decided that I would do things for myself. I wanted to be proud of me and my abilities even though it didn’t fit into the traditional ideals of what a girl should be.
I am now at the stage where I am actually starting to enjoy cooking and I am doing it a lot more for my family. But I also make time for my other passions. And I want my children to do the same.

Lessons Learned

In every past experiences, there are good and bad. Out of the experience of being constantly compared, I have learnt that I would not do the same with my children. I believe our mums had only the best intentions for us. It took me a while but I can see now that she is, and has always been, proud of me. Thinking back, I would not be surprised if my mum had gone through the same comparisons when she was younger. Back in the days when a girl’s place was in the kitchen and her only requirement growing up was to be a good housewife. The generational gap has since changed all that however I believe it is good to have a balance.
Yes, I will teach, motivate and encourage my children to do everyday chores and what else life will require of them. However, I will not try to make them feel like they should be like someone else. I will be proud and show them that I am proud of their achievements, no matter how small it may be. I will encourage their potentials and expose them to experiences and opportunities which will make them explore their passions, ideas and individuality. I will not put them down or make them feel inadequate. But most of all, I will encourage them to talk to me when they doubt my support for them. A child should not be required to do something to be special. Being who they are should be special enough.