After Saying “I Do”

A reader has requested some tips for marriage after reading my post “Too Young for Marriage…”
I’d like to make it clear that I am not a marriage expert or qualified in the practice of giving advice, so all I can write about is what I have experienced in my 7 years of marriage and what I have observed around me. My marriage is not perfect, but no marriage is. Please be aware that all marriages are different as they include two individuals with different personalities, values and beliefs. However, to me, keeping to these general tips tend to help with the challenges that comes with being married.

Always put each other as first priority

Your relationship should come first. In every decision you make, you should ask yourself whether it will benefit your relationship or whether it will cause problems. This is not as easy as it sounds because sometimes this will involve family and friends and the outcome may cause you to be unpopular for a while but just remember, if they care about you, they will respect your decision and will be there for you anyway.

Be trustworthy and trust each other

Trust is not only about not lying to each other but it’s also about trusting that:
• You are safe with your partner
• You will not be hurt emotionally or physically
• You will not be neglected, your emotional and physical needs will be met
• You will be included in all decisions
• You have nothing to hide from each other, there are no surprises
• You will support each other no matter what

Communicate

Listen to what your partner has to say. Sometimes this means simply “to listen” and let them talk. It is also about saying exactly what you mean. If you want to get something off your chest then do it. Don’t say everything is ok and then get frustrated that your partner cannot read your mind.

Raise issues as you see them

If something is bothering you about your partner and you think it is something that should be addressed, then you should discuss it as soon as possible. Don’t put it off and stew about it until you explode. You will find that there may be a good explanation for why something is happening but you won’t find out until you discuss it.

Have disagreements

It is ok not to agree all the time but it is important to accept that about each other and compromise. You are both individuals so you can’t expect to be the same person. But if you disagree, argue about the issue and nothing else. I would be worried if I was in a relationship where there are no arguments. To me, that equates to no communication.

Pick your fights

My husband and I used to argue about the smallest things. What I said, what he said, what I should have done, what he was supposed to do, who’s going to take the rubbish out, who’s turn is it to cook. But you will find that as you move forward, life throws a lot of challenges at you and you will discover that all those little things you used to spend days arguing about and giving each other silent treatments for are nothing compared to what’s coming. It could be illness, loss of a loved one, financial hardships etc. That’s when you need each other and arguing is no longer relevant.

Be the best of “you” that you can be

This is not about your partner so much as it is about you. I believe that if you are the best version of you mentally and physically, you will be a happier person and a happier partner. This will in turn encourage your partner to do the same. It is about motivating each other in a positive way.

Make sure you can laugh together

Laughter is the best medicine. There is nothing like the joy of laughing together. Whether it is at each other’s expense or not, it’s always nice to be able to share funny moments.

Share the boring tasks

Let’s face it, unless you are fortunate enough to have a housekeeper and chef, you will need to do the boring tasks at home. It is important that you can rely on each other to share these tasks. They should not be limited to just one person to do. Growing up, all I hear are the women in my family complaining that in addition to working and taking care of the children, they also have to do everything in the house. I didn’t want to be one of those women who complains about their husbands. So I believe in both parties having a fair share.

Discuss your expectations

Don’t wait until you are married. You need to know and understand what you want out of the marriage. Whether it is about children, career, where you want to live, where you want to be in the future etc. Don’t expect your partner to change for you and don’t be so stubborn that you refuse to compromise your expectations.

Everybody makes mistakes

In the end, you are both human and you make mistakes. It is up to you whether you can forgive and forget. If you feel that your relationship can continue then do so. However, if you feel like it is something that will always question your partnership then you need to decide whether it is worth staying or if you should move on. Living in a relationship filled with mistrust, betrayal, guilt and disappointment will only cause bitterness and disrespect towards your partner. Life is too short for that.

Don’t discuss your marital problems with friends of the opposite sex

A friend of mine discussed her marital problems with a male friend. He was a great listener and after a while was telling her that she was too good for her husband and that she should leave her husband for him. He wasn’t looking after her best interest. He was looking after his best interest. She asked me what she should do. I told her that she should deal with her marriage first. If she wants to be with her friend then she should end her marriage before moving on. Unfaithfulness is something that I have a hard time tolerating. If you have a marital problem, only you and your partner can resolve it. So talk to each other. Family and genuine friends can only listen however the decision is up to you and your partner.

Give each other space

This is something I really struggled with at the start of my marriage. It all came down to my inability to trust, my sense of security in my marriage and this was all from what I have observed and experienced growing up, it had nothing to do with my relationship. I just couldn’t understand why my husband would want to spend time with his friends or family. I thought “was I not enough?” But I grew out of that, it took time, but I know that sometimes I like to spend time with my friends. I like to spend time with my family. And my husband gave me the freedom to do that so I should have the courtesy to do that for him.

Respect

Respect each other and treat your partner the way you'd like to be treated. This means having respect for yourself and showing others how you deserve to be treated.

Do something that your partner enjoys even if you don't

I cannot swim to save my life. But my husband wanted to go on a diving trip out in Far North Queensland. I went along, not because it was something I'd enjoy doing, but because I knew it would be nice to share something that my husband enjoys. When I arrived, he had arranged it so that I'd go diving too. I was terrified but still went through with it, even though there were reef sharks everywhere and land was nowhere in sight. I spent the whole time having my hand held by a diving instructor but at least I got to experience what my husband enjoys and it wasn't a bad thing. In saying that, my husband has sat through a lot of Romantic Comedies and is always available as my dancing partner even though I know he'd prefer to relax at home with an action movie.

80/20 Rule

If you are happy 80% of the time and unhappy 20% of the time, then you are ok. However, if you are only happy 20% of the time and unhappy 80% of the time, you need to do something about your relationship. Because it is not working or as my husband says “you’ve got to bail”.

One of my favourite things at the end of a long day is when my husband offers to make me a cup of tea or coffee. We would sit together and talk or watch TV but it is the simple gesture that means so much.

Feel free to share your thoughts, tips and opinions...